Under The Weather

Mommy's sick today. I should have known something was up when it was Daddy who gave me my 4 AM feeding. Daddy told me that she didn't want to get me sick too so she sent him in as a last-minute substitute.

It shouldn't make a difference, I guess. It was the same formula, from the same bottle, in the same chair... but it wasn't the same, somehow. For one thing Mommy smells better... and she sings to me when she feeds me, even at 4 in the morning. Daddy just yawned a lot... looked at his watch like 20 times... and then started offering me things if I promised to finish my formula and get back to sleep within 10minutes. I don't know what an I-Pod is... but apparently I now own Daddy's.

When I woke up at 7, it was again Daddy who fed me and gave me my bath. We were just about to step out for a quick run to the pharmacy for some Mommy medicine when someone knocked on our door. It was the mailman with a package from Miami. I remember when I first adopted these two that Mommy was complaining about not being able to find any baby food in Colombia. So she called my uncle Angel and aunt Claudia and asked them if they would please send her a couple of things by mail. You know... just enough to get by. Aunt Claudia said she would take care of it.
Uh... I think Aunt Claudia is under the impression that we're going to be here 3 years instead of 3 weeks. Geez, talk about bringing a bazooka to a fist fight. Daddy just laughed and said that Aunt Claudia and Mommy had a lot in common.
Speaking of Mommy. When we got back from the pharmacy Daddy gave her some medicine that sent her off to La-La Land. She promised to get better quickly so she could get back to taking care of me. So Daddy and I just kicked back and watched Brazil demolish Chile in the World Cup... and then we prepared to play a brand new game that Daddy invented called:

THINGS I WOULD NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS, BE ALLOWED TO PUT IN MY MOUTH IF MOMMY WAS AWAKE!
Her favorite sunglasses...
Her deoderant...
My nose medicine...
The pump for my nose medicine...
A shoe lace...
Whatever this thing is hanging off her camera bag...
Her hair gel...
Daddy's watch...
Daddy's antibiotics for his foot fungus...
The sofa...
And the coffee table.

It was a lot of fun. When Mommy woke up she was feeling a lot better. I decided to reward her for her speedy recovery and as soon as I saw her walk into the living room I laid it on her with a big smile... "Mama".

I thought it would make her happy... but all she could do was cry. I guess I'll never understand parents.

First Weekend

When breaking in a new pair of parents, one must always be aware of the potential hazards involved. What if we don't have any common interests? What if our personalities just don't mesh? What if my new Mommy and Daddy turn out to be total goobers? These were all valid questions that were about to be put to the test during this, our first weekend together as a family unit.

This was going to be a major test where I would find out exactly what kind of home life I was going to have.

Phase 1: Saturday Morning
I cruise into the kitchen bright and early hoping to catch her off guard but BAM! Mommy's already cooking. I don't know what she's making but it smells awesome. I tell you there is nothing like waking up to the smell of a kitchen being used correctly.



Mommy says she'll be glad to make this recipe for me again sometime in the future when I have teeth... and pants.

Phase 2: Saturday Afternoon


It was now the old man's turn.
What's up Daddio?
You gonna take me to a museum?
Are we going to a foreign film festival?
How about an art exhibit?
You're college educated.
You're a cultured kind of cat.
You've traveled a bit.
What kind of life lessons are you going to teach me on this... the first Saturday that you have with your son?
Uh... we went to a sports bar across the street to watch Team USA lose in the World Cup tournament to the team from Ghanna. Daddy was really into the game.... I was really into that fire extinguisher.

I eventually got into it when the man on TV started yelling Goooooooool!

Daddy says when we get home to Miami he's going to teach me all about another sport also called football where the players act like real men and actually get to use their hands and the ball is made of a pig's skin. Mommy rolled her eyes when he said that. I notice that Mommy rolls her eyes a lot when Daddy talks. All I know is that I feel sorry for that poor pig walking around with no skin.

Phase 3: Sunday
This is my Tio Carlos and my Tia Adriana. They are friends of Mommy and Daddy who live here in Cali and have been a big help to us since we became a family.
Sunday was Father's Day in Colombia so they wanted to take us on a special trip in order to celebrate. We ate pan de bono and sancocho de gallina and spent the whole day together visiting little towns around Cali and taking in the local culture.
The experiment was a total success as was our first weekend together. I think I can get used to this.

Business Trip

This morning began like every other morning. Me and the old man hanging out for a few minutes out on the balcony. Mommy asked what we were doing out there for 10 minutes this morning. Daddy said that he was teaching me everything that he knew about women. Mommy then asked what we talked about for the 9 minutes and 30 seconds that were left over. Mommy and I both think that she's funny. Daddy's not so sure.

Today was a special day because I had 2 very important meetings to take care of. The first one was with my case worker and the second one was with my attorney. Today was the day that we started phase 2 of the adoption process. The case worker and the attorney were now going to submit all the paperwork necessary to a judge here in Cali in order for him to declare this adoption final and legal. Then we go to Bogota for phase 3 (my dual citizenship visa and official name change) and then it's party time back in Miami.

But first things first.

I won't lie to you, I was a bit nervous because I had to go back to the place where I used to live before. But once I got there I relaxed because everyone was real happy to see me with my new Mommy and Daddy. All of my old friends are in the process of adopting parents too. Any day now guys... hang in there.




The case worker asked me a bunch of questions about my new Mommy and Daddy now that I've gotten a chance to spend a week with them. She wanted to know if I was happy with the experience and if there had been any surprises. I told her that I had not been informed about Mommy's new collection of gray hair and that Daddy's male pattern baldness was a bit of a shock once I met him in person... but if they were willing to deal with my pre-mature birth status and my athsma, it was all good.

The attorney was also a very nice lady who assured me that everything should go fairly quickly and that hopefully things would get resolved here in Cali within the next 2 weeks.

Mommy and I celebrated the good news with our, now, traditional Kissy Foot celebration.

I decided to take the folks out for a celebration dinner. So we got all dressed up and headed down to this little out of the way spot that I know a couple of blocks from the apartment.
The food was really good. Mommy had the chicken stuffed with mushrooms and Daddy had a steak.







I had a bottle of the finest the house had to offer. It was a full-bodied 2010 powder formula with an oatmeal/vanilla essence with just a hint of anti-reflux ingredients.






I am such a lightweight.

Mami/Papi Training- The First Stumbling Block

An idea came to me as Daddy was preparing me for my morning bath... what I needed to do in order to really torture these two was to come down with my first minor illness. Nothing serious, just something basic that any parent with experience would laugh at... but would throw these two amateures into a tizzy.
And then it came to me... constipation. It was perfect. All I had to do was make a couple of faces like if I was in pain... grunt a little bit... cry a lot... and presto, instant new parent panic attack.
"Where did I go wrong?"
"What did you feed him?"
"How was I supposed to know that rice cereal would be bad for him?"

It was awesome! Mommy was feeling guilty, Daddy was on the internet researching the long-term effects of starchy foods on infants. I felt like a mini-evil mastermind.... Then Mommy called her cousin Sayra in Puerto Rico and I heard the 2 words that changed my life forever... Glycerin Suppositories.


Score: Mommy/Daddy- 1... Mini-Evil Mastermind- 0

So after that delightful trip to the land of NEVER AGAIN! Daddy decided that we were all going to go out and spend a nice day at the park. I thought "sure... why not?" I mean after the morning I had just had, I could use a little time out in the sunshine enjoying nature. No problem, right? Wrong.

Uh... I'm a little embarrassed to say this but... I'd never seen grass before. How was I supposed to know? I'm 11 months old! They never took me outside back where I used to live before. So... it was a bit of an experience.

It felt weird... It felt scary... I didn't want it touching my feet or hands.





















Finally Mommy said that I had had enough and called it a day. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Adopting that lady is the best decision I've ever made.

This "Daddy" character is okay too, I guess. But he says that I better get used to this green stuff if I'm going to grow up to be a professional athlete. I don't know what this "sports" thing is all about... but if it's anything like that cure for my constipation that they gave me this morning, I don't want anything to do with it.

Mami/Papi Training Day 2: Mind Games

Preparing 2 adults for the trials and tribulations of parenthood goes way beyond just making sure that they can feed you at least 3 times a day and putting a fresh set of clothes on your back. You need to make sure that they are phsychologically equiped to handle the stress and pressure that goes along with it.

That's why I decided that it was time to test their sanity. I needed to know if they had the correct mental make up to actually be my parents for the rest of my life. Were they the type of people that were going to fold under pressure? Would they buckle when the going got rough? I had to find out.

Oh sure they seem normal enough on the outside. They're both professionals with stable careers. (if you can call producing spanish-language television shows stable... or even careers for that matter) And based on the amount of time that I've spent making goofy faces into a computer camera this week, I know that at least they aren't a pair of social misfits.

But neither of those things automatically qualified them as fit parents.



The idea to test them came to me while Mommy was giving me my bath. Since I had kept them up most of the entire night before, I decided to throw them a curve ball and sleep through the entire second night... just to see how they would react. Daddy didn't do very well. He kept getting up every hour to touch my stomach to see if I was still breathing. Can you believe that? On his 3rd "check up" I decided to have a little fun with him. As soon as he reached in to touch me I held my breath... when he woke up Mommy in a panic and she came over to my crib, I started snoring.

I know it's cruel but a kid has to be able to have at least a little fun, right? Things got worse for them ten minutes later when the neighbors in the building across the street decided to begin a kareoke contest... on their balcony... that went until 5 AM!

Yikes.

I was able to sleep right through the whole thing but I was heavily sedated with 6 ounces of formula and a half a jar of mashed peaches. Mommy and Daddy weren't so lucky. Apparently, in Colombia, there are no noise ordinance laws. Daddy found out the hard way.

The next day when I took my mid-morning siesta... Mommy joined me. She told me that she would gladly suffer through 100 late-night kareoke parties in a row and lose 10,000 hours of sleep as long as I was comfortable.

Daddy made no such promises. I think he's on the verge of breaking. He was so tired that he was rambling to himself something about reality shows and live award shows being a piece of cake compared to this. So I curled up on his chest and gave him my best "I love you Daddy" puppy dog smile... and he folded like a cheap suit. He pledged eternal loyalty and vowed to do whatever it took to keep me safe.

I have them right where I want them...

Mami/Papi Training- Day 1

Wikipedia defines "pre term birth" as any baby born before completing 37 weeks of gestation inside their mommy. "Premies", as we are called, tend to be smaller in size than the other babies our age. Therefore...OUR CLOTHES NEED TO BE SMALLER TOO!

Hello? These are supposed to be shorts that I am wearing... not cargo pants. My mommy is mortified. She wants to run out and buy me a whole new wardrobe. My daddy just laughs and calls me DJ Jazzy Esteban and the Fresh Prince. Mommy gets mad when he does that but it's still better than what he really wanted to call me. Sir-Poops-A-Lot.

The first 24 hours of their training has had a little bit of everything. We spent a lot of time on the computer talking to my new extended family. I met my grandparents in Puerto Rico, my grandfather in Texas, my aunts and uncles in Orlando, New Jersey, Kentucky and Miami. I'm sure they are all nice people but jeez... what a bunch of cry-babies. Here's a bit of advice people... telling a kid how handsome he is and then blowing a snot bubble out your nose immediately afterwards tends to kill the moment... I'm just saying.

I decided to give the folks a little thrill and show them some of my moves. That's right sports fans... I can stand up all by myself.

Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

Mommy immediately dialed up Grandma in Puerto Rico on the internet camera so I could demonstrate for her on live TV... of course, I refused. What am I, a circus monkey? Please. I'm an artist!

I decided to play it really cool the first 10 hours or so. I didn't cry, I didn't fuss. I was the sweetest, calmest baby anybody ever saw. Daddy was even talking trash about how easy this whole parenting thing was going to be.

Heh, heh, heh.... Rookie.

My first tantrum came at 2:13 AM. You should have seen them. It was priceless. Actually, mommy was great. She jumped up and had me in her arms within 3.6 seconds. On the other hand, it took Daddy 4 minutes just to untangle himself from the sheets. Once I got my milk, I chilled... until 3:56 AM when I unleashed a bowel movement that would scare a Green Beret.

Daddy attempted to change my diaper alone... note the word attempted. You see folks, it's not only my clothes that are 2 sizes too big. It's also my diapers. So let's just say that I really know how to spread the love around. In the end mommy had to step in and rescue him.

In conclusion, my first 2 tests proved a lot. I learned that Mommy is a keeper. She's calm under pressure and cooks a mean sopita de fidello. She sings to me when I'm sleepy and her kisses on my feet make me giggle. Daddy, however, looks a little nervous. I think the old man's a little rattled after last night. But I think he'll eventually come around.

He thinks he's funny and he seems to be quite fond of me. This is us playing a game he invented called the Laredo Roller Coaster. I think I'll keep him. For now... Let's see what day 2 brings.