Head Trip

Can you keep a secret? Because I have one to tell you. I'm not sure exactly why I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. I just have. I can't tell you how many times I tried to sit down and write about this very secret on this very blog... only to eventually change my mind and write about something else... about anything else.

I don't know if I was embarrassed or just feeling anxious about the whole situation... either way, I can't put it off any longer. So here I go. I won't be able to hide it anymore for reasons that you will soon realize so I might as well just come out with it. Ready? Here it is:

I'm a robot sent back from the future to warn Linda Hamilton about the rise of the machines and the impending apocolypse. I'm lookeeng fo Sarah Connah... No? No love for the Gov? Fine.

Sorry... Daddy and I were testing the new Blu-Ray this weekend with a little film festival from his movie collection. He calls it part of my Jedi Training where his goal is to make me well rounded and schooled in everything that is considered Daddy Pop Culture. Mommy says that's a fancy way of saying: Daddy wants me to grow up watching the same geeky crap that he did when he was a kid.

But back to my big secret. A couple of weeks ago, Mommy and Daddy took me to a place called Cranial Technologies(cranialtech.com)in order to fix a bump that I have on my head. It's not really a bump so much as it is that I was born with my head a little crooked. These fine people at Cranial tech developed a little brace that babies can wear when they are born with this problem, and it fixes them right up in as little as 3 months.
So we went to their offices and I was measured for my very own custom-made head brace that would be made to fit only me... and my oddly-shaped noggin.

So here we go... My world premier of the look I'll be rocking for the next 3 months:
Ta da!!!! I know what you're thinking... handsome is handsome no matter how silly the head wear.

I'm not sure that I understood you correctly... You're going to make Daddy wear that thing for 3 months and you want me to put it on him for practice?...... Oh, you were speaking to Daddy. That's a relief, I thought I was going to have to force that thing on him. He would've hated that. Can you imagine?.... wait.

Daddy taught me how to do this... It's called using the force and if I concentrate really hard I can levitate the mean lady right out the window................. and she's still here. Great.

Daddy... I really like you and everything but do you really think that now is an appropriate time to teach me to dance La Macarena ?

Esteban Joel Colombian Space Boy makes a few final adjustments to his space gear before venturing out into the great unknown. His mission will be a very important and difficult one... but all that he can think about are the moon rocks in his diapers.

What? You're a giant that feeds on little boys in space helmets? My word... that is very disconcerting... I am very frightened and... wait, that's not a giant... that's Daddy. Wait, that's not a little boy he's eating... that's a cereal bar.

Mommy says that I look like rock star with my new head brace on... I dunno about you... but I think she might be right.

Esteban Joel, Colombian Speed Racer eyes the finish line.

Tell me the truth... does this shirt go with the helmet?

This is an overhead view of the brace. Uh, Daddy... I know you're confused. So before you ask... it's called hair. I'll explain it to you later.

And this is the side view of the brace. If the velcro strap is on the left-hand side of your helmet it means you're available. You hear that ladies?

The helmet came off! The helmet came off! The helmet came off! The helmet finally came off! And with God as my witness... I'm never putting that thing on again!!!!

Uh... okay I just received word that the helmet is only off for a few minutes while they adjust it. So, you know... about all of that with God as my witness stuff I that was saying... never mind.

Whether you like it or not people... this is my look for the next 3 months. Can you dig it?... I knew that you could.

Ninja Crabs and Rainouts

Any veteran of the adoption process knows one thing to be very sure. You need to get accustomed to dissapointment. Not everything will turn out to be quite as you imagined it or get done in the time frame that you imagined it. Everything just kind of seems to flow in it's own natural rythm and things fall into place when they decide to fall into place. You can't fight it or control it... you just kind of have to go with it.

For example... Mommy, Daddy and I were supposed to go to a baseball game this past weekend. Daddy's favorite team was in town for the weekend and we had planned for me to make my professional sporting event debut on Saturday night. But it rained all weekend... Saturday night's game was still played but it was only Daddy and Tio Yared that went, instead of all of us. I ended up staying home that night with the ladies... why?

Because my parents made a joint decision concerning what would be best for me in the long run... Daddy says that all of that is just a bunch of fancy talk for: Mommy didn't let Daddy take me to the game because there was a threat of rain showers. Daddy tried to convince the room that it wasn't going to rain but by then Mommy had recruited Abuelita and Titi Grizi over to her side and it very quickly became a lost cause. In the end... Daddy says that it did rain and he and Tio Yaro were left scrambling for cover most of the night. Let's say it all together now because I'm starting to get the feeling that it's going to be a common theme around here. Ready?... Mommy was right. But, to her credit, Mommy just smiled politely the next morning as Daddy told her the stories of the night before.... then she made him his favorite breakfast... and then she made him say you were right 10 times before allowing him to eat any of it.

Mommy's funny...

Funny story about Daddy. I have to be careful how I say this because I realize that a man's reputation hangs in the balance. So I'll be as professional and delicate as I can... Daddy's is scared to death of crabs. I don't mean scared as in: They freak him out a little bit... I mean scared as in: He runs away squealing like a 12 year old girl who just bumped into a Jonas Brother at a gas station. He can't stand them... and he's convinced that they don't think much of him either.

So on Friday night, Daddy was in garage trying to organize a couple of things when he heard something scratching and clicking on the floor behind him. He turned around and swears that the crab jumped into the air ninja style and kicked him in the face. Daddy says that he did everything he could to get out of that garage alive.

To make a long story short... Mommy had to wake up Tio Yaro and drag his sleepy butt downstairs so he could handle the situation with a pair of pasta tongs. Once the crab was in custody, there was a variety of opinions floating around about what to do with it. Mommy wanted to release it back into the wild... Tio Yaro wanted to steam it and then dip it in a little melted butter... Daddy wanted to put it in a shoe box and keep it behind for questioning. He wanted to know how many more of them there were out there, and their exact location.

So they decide to release it out in front of the house and suddenly an Animal Planet show broke out. What I mean is that a couple of stray cats from the neighborhood got to Mr Crabby and the next morning there was a scene in front of our door that looked like a bomb had gone off in a crab factory. Mommy was about to go inside and grab a broom in order to clean up but Daddy stopped her. He wanted her to leave the front porch exactly the way it was with the remains of the crab spread out all over the place. Daddy said that he wanted to send a message to all of the other ninja crabs out there who might think about sneaking into our garage in order to attack him. Mommy just shook her head silently and walked away muttering to herself.

Hey. Say whatever you want about my Daddy and his twisted logic... but it's been 4 days and not a single crab has been seen around the house.

Message delivered.
This is what happens when you leave your camera unattended near my Titi Grizi. She finds these kinds of pranks to be hilarious... She's from an extremely small town.

On Sunday Mommy and Tio Yaro made sofrito. It's a mixture of spices that are the basis for every Puerto Rican dish. Mommy says that every meal in Puerto Rico begins with sofrito... Daddy claimed the exact same thing to be true in Mexico, except with tequila.

Trust me... it tastes a lot better than it looks.

Rites and Rituals

I've begun to notice a lot of strange little habits and behavioral patterns from my newly adopted parents. They weren't showing these behavioral patterns while we were in Colombia, but now that we've been home for more than a month they are both starting to settle into their normal groove of living and all of these little ticks and glitches are starting to show themselves.

For example, this past weekend was some sort of big deal for Daddy. His favorite NFL team began to practice for the up-coming season and he was all a flutter. I've never seen him so happy... wait, that's not true.

Suddenly, the entire house was running around and getting ready to watch the TV. Daddy put on his jersey... then he made Mommy, Abuelita, Tio Yared and Titi Grizi also put on jersies.... Mommy made chicken wings and tostones... I was allowed to stay up late so I could participate. Really? All this fuss for a practice game? Geez, I can't wait to see how he reacts when the games actually count.

This whole thing about wearing a football jersey while watching other people play a game is ridiculous to me. Really, Daddy? Do you all dress up like doctors whenever you watch Grey's Anatomy?

I think Daddy is under the impression that we are going to be watching football games together this up-coming season. He's so cute. I just love how naive and gullible they are at this stage of first-time parenthood.

Let's see Daddy... an average football game is 3 hours long and I'm supposed to sit on the couch next to you for those 3 hours so you can watch your game? Uh... no. I'll be crawling around the house at high speeds forcing you to chase after me. Remember that Mommy will be working on her TV show every Sunday until Thanksgiving so you'll be on your own, my friend. I will specifically use those 3 hours that your game is on to demand to go outside and play. I will need to be changed... I will need to be fed... I will need to be read to. I will not nap, play quietly or be interested at all by what is on the giant screen in front of me.

I know you think Padrino Poncho is your best friend, but he's not. Not anymore. Tivo is your new best friend. Embrace your new best friend because that is the only way that you'll be watching any of your games this season. I know you think I'm being tough on you, but It's for your own good. Trust me... you'll be a better man for it.

I got a chance to spend a lot of time with my Tio Yared this past Saturday. Yared is Mommy's kid brother and he works with her on her TV show. He took me to my favorite mall to take a little cruise in my car. He's nice to me. He likes to play rough just like I do and he likes cars just like I do.

Funny story about my Tio Yaro. He loves to play poker. So the last time he was in Miami visiting Daddy took him to one of the casinos in the area to try his luck against the pros. Daddy says that they walked in and sat down and he didn't even get a chance to order some nachos before Tio Yared had already busted out of the game. It took, literally, 90 seconds for my Tio to lose all of his money. Ever since then, whenever Daddy drives past that casino as he cruises down the turnpike he always takes a moment to wave to Tio Jared's money. I don't think Tio finds it quite as funny as Daddy does, but what's he going to do? That's family for you.
It's not every 13 month old that gets his very own jacuzzi. Daddy says that these square-shaped tubs are going to be all the rage soon. I guess that makes me sort of a pioneer... it's just how I roll.
This is my favorite trick... watch........... there he goes again. Everytime I hold the baseball, Daddy cries.
Daddy showed me how to do it. All you do is wave your arms around a lot and splash the water... he calls it a Mexican Hot Tub.
Good afternoon officer... No, I do not have my license and registration with me. I don't even know what those things are, to be quite honest with you. Wait... that's not a cop, that's Daddy. Wait... that's not a radar gun, that's a giant pretzle.
Tell the truth... I'm like George Clooney in The Perfect Storm, right?
Are we Glostermen, or are we Glostermen!
The Boy of Steel ponders his next move and wonders if the bad guys can tell that he's flying around with a diaper full of kryptonite.
Uh... I don't mean to be critical Tio Yaro... but it's supposed to be wax on, wax off. Not circle, circle, cirlce, circle.
Okay... you are not one for a little constructive criticism... I get that now and I apologize.

Weekend Warrior

When you adopt a set of parents and then move into their home, inevitably you will begin to adapt to their rythm of everyday life. You will start waking up when they wake up... you will start eating when they eat... and as in my case, you begin eating what they're eating.

This weekend was a big one for me... more specifically, for my stomach. On Friday nite Daddy took Mommy, Abuelita and me out to dinner to an Italian restaurant. I ate some of Mommy's risotto... some bread... and some Lentle soup. I was nervous about the soup because I didn't know what it was... until I saw it. Lentle soup? In my country that very same dish is called: a bowl of beans... but whatever. On saturday afternoon I got to try my very first milkshake with Daddy and Tio Yared and on Sunday I sat on Daddy's lap while he and Mommy had Cheeseburgers at a water-side sports bar and grill and I ate his tomato slice, 4 french fries and Mommy's lettuce. They kept me hopping all weekend long. I got to go to a park and play on a swing set for the very first time... I got to go to my favorite mall for an afternoon ride in my blue car... and I went swimming in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.

Funny story about Daddy and Abuelita. On friday I had 2 doctor's appointments. The first one was at 7:45 AM and the second one was at 11 AM. Daddy declared it a guys-only morning hang so Abuelita stayed home and Mommy went off to work. We were done with the first appointment by 9 AM and Daddy decides that we are going to have to go all the way home before heading off to our second appointment at 11. Why?... So he could go to the bathroom. Understand this about my Daddy. He is crazy when it comes to this topic. He will not use a public bathroom. Never, ever... ever! He'd rather hold it in for 3 days and get sick like he did one time when he was a kid and on a camping trip. Mommy says that he once rented a hotel room when they were on a long road trip together just so he could have his own private bathroom.

So Daddy and I get home and Abuelita asks what we're doing there? Daddy... lies and tells her that he forgot some papers that he needed for the 11 o'clock appointment. He's embarrassed and doesn't want Abuelita to know that he's dying to go to the bathroom. Once again... Daddy's crazy and strange things embarrass him. Things like his mother-in-law knowing that he poops just like every other human being on the planet. So he tries to throw her off the scent by hanging around downstairs for about 5 minutes doing little things in the living room... finally, when hears Abuelita reading to me in the kitchen, he dashes upstairs to the master bedroom where he can go to the bathroom in peace and away from prying ears.

He closed 3 doors and put 5 walls between himself and us. He was trying to be as careful as possible so that we wouldn't be able to hear anything that was going on in that master bathroom. In the end... let's just say that Daddy was thankful that he had worked so hard to put so much sound insulation between us. After it's all over, he rushes back downstairs to re-join us and act as if he never went upstairs at all. When he enters the kitchen Abuelita has a little smirk on her face. Was it really a smirk or was Daddy just being paranoid?... it was then that Daddy heard the faulty shower head dripping upstairs in the master bedroom.

And how was he able to hear the drip so clearly, you ask? Through the baby monitor that was now in the master bedroom since I moved in there with Mommy and Daddy 2 days ago. Abuelita is now sleeping in my room and I sleep in a play pen in the master bedroom. So Mommy moved the baby monitor from my room to the master bedroom for when I take my naps and she's downstairs. I guess she forgot to tell Daddy. That monitor picks up every little sound in that room and transmits it to speakers that Mommy has planted all over the house... including the kitchen. Daddy just stared at that baby monitor speaker on the kitchen counter and listened to that shower dripping loudly and clearly.... Abuelita just kept right on smiling to herself. No one said a word for 40 minutes.

Classic.

The Boy of Steel flies over Metropolis and searches for criminals... or a really good Colombian restaurant. Whichever comes first.

Look... I'm just saying there are a lot of similarities between us. We're both orphans... from another world... we both like brunettes... we both look great in the costume...

All alone... Esteban Joel, amazing explorer, will climb the tree to see what he can find... alone.

Uh... very funny Mommy, but you're kind of ruining the whole mood of my performance.

Esteban Joel... swinger.

Mommy's a swinger too! Daddy is going to be so proud.

Mommy says that if I turn this wheel It'll wake up the Boogie Man... She's joking right?

I'm not mad at you Abuelita... I understand that your back hurts today... All I'm saying is that the whole see-saw experience seems to lack something when the other person is standing next to you instead of sitting across from you, that's all.