Popularity Contest

Anybody who's ever adopted parents will tell you that while it is a very fulfilling and noble endeavor... it can also be a bit like a television dating game show. You have to keep in mind the type of people that you are dealing with. These are fully grown adults with no shame... On their best behavior... who are trying very very hard to get you to like them.

You, literally, can do no wrong. You poop yourself... they celebrate the fact that you're not constipated. You burp loudly... they cheer like it's New year's Eve. You scream any combination of abstract sounds... and they repeat it back to you just as loudly because they think you're trying to communicate with them. (hint to grownups... we're just yelling out random noises because we can. There's no secret code or message... get over it)

The secret is learning to not abuse this new-found power. If you become a demanding little dictator, you run the risk that they will quickly tire of your demands and hang you with the dreaded spoiled label. Once that happens, you might as well pack it in because no one likes being around a spoiled little kid.

The trick is knowing how to pick your battles. For example: Don't cry every time you're hungy... that way when you do, they'll treat you like a king because they'll think they did something wrong by not feeding you on time. And here's another little trick I picked up... you ready? It's a big one...

Smile.

That's it. It sounds simple, I know but trust me... A perfectly timed smile will turn both of your parents into bumbling idiots and cause them to do ridiculous things. I remember one time when Daddy and I were in the car on our way home from a doctor's appointment. He casually told me that he loved me and when he looked back at me... I smiled.

Wow.

You would have thought that he had just discovered the cure for male-pattern baldness. He immediately pulled the car over and got into the back seat with me and started saying I love you over and over again trying to get me to smile again.. as if that were the magic word or something. Of course I just stared at him the whole time with a blank expression on my face. After about 300 I love you's he finally gave up and got back in the front seat. He starts the car... looks back at me and says: Ok, monkey-boy... let's go. I give him a huge smile... and we spend another 20 minutes in the back seat together while he repeats the word monkey boy to me 300 more times. Of course... I didn't smile a single time.

I own him.

This is my Titi Grizi and she says that she's taking me back to Puerto Rico with her in this brand new, super-exclusive VIP method of traveling called: The Over-Head Compartment. I don't have all of the details yet but it sounds very exciting... I wonder if I get free movies.

You know something... originally I got into Titi Grizi's bag as a joke but it's actually not that bad... once you get used to the smell of fried plantaine.

Wardrobe for Esteban Joel: Amazing Boy Blogger provided by The Preppy Astronaut... toddler section.

Grizzly Bears and Hot Sauce

There's a side effect to adoptions that I'm just starting to figure out. Your future friends will be dictated by your parent's current friends. In other words, if your parents have friends that have children anywhere near your age... forget about it. You will be force fed that kid until you either hate him or make him your best buddy. I sense it coming with my Madrina Michele and her very soon daughter to be. Padrino Poncho and Daddy are like brothers and from what I've seen so far in my 2 months in Miami... they tend to hang out together. Which means that, by default, I'll be hanging out a lot with baby Ponchita very soon.

Will she be nice to me? Will she pull my hair? Will she share her toys with me? Will she eat raisins with me?

These are the life and death questions that have been vexing me lately and are keeping me up at night. Because now, the identity of my future best friend has already been decided for me. It's true. Think about it. I'm not in school yet so the only people I get to interact with is controlled completely by Mommy and Daddy. I don't get an opinion, a vote or an argument. I'm supposed to just follow orders and make do with what they give me. Geez... I feel just like Sally Field in her riveting 1983 thriller: Not Without My Daughter!

Sorry... more of Daddy's Jedi-Training. Evidently that was one of Abuela Amparo's favorite movies.

So I think what I'm trying to say is... I'm going to start studying my Padrino and Madrina a little bit closer in order to see what kind of best friend I'm going to have. See if I can spot any early signs of trouble.

Which reminds me of a great story about Padrino Poncho that I overheard this past weekend when they came over and invited us out for a little Mexican Food... Keep in mind two things before I tell this story: 1) Madrina Michele is a professional actor. 2)Padrino Poncho is not.

So it was about 5 years ago when Madrina Michele's agent called her and told her that she was up for an audition for a commercial for a popular cruise line. She said that the pay wasn't so great but that she would get to cruise around Alaska for 10 days of shooting if she got the job. But there was a bonus. They were looking for couples. More specifically, they were looking for real couples. The agent wanted to know if Padrino Poncho would be interested in going to the audition with her and trying out for the commercial.

What?

Daddy's boy took the day off from work and went down to that audition with his wife ready to make cinematic history. They wait 3 hours... and finally get called inside. The director stands them together and asks them to do a little improv. He asks them to stare out from the balcony of their honeymoon suite and tell him exactly what they see. Madrina Michele said that she was watching a sunset over a magnificent glacier with baby seals and sea lions swimming care-free around it. Padrino Poncho suddenly starts screaming that a giant grizzly bear has just dived into the water and has begun mauling the baby seals. "somebody stop him! Somebody do something! Oh the humanity!"

The director, stunned as he may have been, gives them another chance and asks them to describe their romantic suite. Madrina Michele started describing the luxurious comforter on the plush bed and the velvet robes hanging in the closet. Padrino Poncho suddenly offers to get her robe for her and when he opens the imaginary closet door... proceeds to get mauled by the giant grizzly bear who was apparently now hiding in the closet. "He's killing me... He's going for my aorta... Aaaargh!!!!"

Epic.

They didn't get the part... She eventually forgave him... and he stopped going to auditions. It's that kind of devotion that allowed Madrina Michele to, once again, foolishly trust Padrino Poncho and listen to one of his mother's old wives tales. He said that spicy food makes pregnant women go into labor.

I'll tell you what... I think Madrina Michele is really tired of being pregnant because she took a spoonful of green chile sauce and downed like a pro. I don't think anyone at the table thought that she would really do it... but she did. It's going to sound silly, but it's little things like that that make me feel okay about the whole automatic best friend thing. Because if Padrino Poncho and Madrina Michele are this entertaining... their kid can't be all bad, right?
Check out the look on Padrino Poncho's face. Eat the Chile... my precious.
I hate Mexican food... and the country of Mexico... and the one Mexican I stupidly agreed to marry 8 years ago... and Chiles... and the country of Chile...
OBTW...This is what it looks like when you're told that jalapenos hurt just as much when they exit the body as they do when they enter it. Ahhhh... we live and learn Madrina Michele. We live and learn.

Party Time

This is what I looked like after my first official kids party. I gotta tell you, it's a lot of work. There's so much going on... I didn't know where to look. The food, the clown, the door prizes... it was all too much! But I loved it.

The party was a picnic celebration for a bunch of us kids who had adopted parents recently. It was great to hang out with a bunch of people who had so much in common with me. I danced, I laughed, I crawled... I even got to eat a piece of cake for the first time. I'm not sure if you people out there are in on this whole sugar thing but I think I like it. It tastes great and it gives you so much energy... just the other night I got a hold of a lollipop that Daddy left behind on the computer desk. It was so delicious and it even had a bubble gum center that I truely enjoyed. The only negative side effect to the whole experience is that after the lollipop I proceeded to play peek-a-boo with my own image in the mirror for 9 1/2hours.

But this day would not end up like that. No, this day would end up with me learning a little life lesson. You see, while I was with Mommy, Daddy and Abuelita having a good time at the party, there were a couple of people having a good time with Mommy and Daddy's car out in the parking lot. They broke the back window and snatched my Abuelita's purse from the back seat and immediately began running up bills on her credit cards.

It took 2 days for Abuelita to finally get everything straightened out. In the end, Abuelita said that there was no harm done. The window got replaced, her credit cards all got cancelled and she replaced her driver's license with her passport that she can use for identification. She decided to forgive the crooks for what they did. She said that forgiveness was the first step on the path to righteousness. Abuelita said that by forgiving them... she was teaching them humility by example. Daddy said that he had a couple of ideas on how to teach these delinquents that broke his car window a little humility... but he assured her that none of them involved forgiving them. Abuelita said that they should just agree to disagree.

Let me go, Mommy. I promise you I can do it! I know I can't walk yet.... BUT I CAN DANCE! I just know it!

See that kid back there pushing the stroller? I taught him that.

Esteban Joel, Boy Astronaut tries to remain calm after his father foolishly hands him off to the diabolical clown.

Look, Daddy. I know it's just a woman wearing some funny make up, a wig and a costume. But when you put them all together, they make a clown and that's when I start getting creeped out.

Uh... Aunt Rose.... Where are you looking? The camera is over here.

Oh what the heck, Aunt Rose. Look wherever you like. I don't care.

Hmmm... I don't know Mommy. Maybe it's supposed to be some sort of a deformed carrot or something...

I know... I was just telling Mommy. We don't know what it is... but we kinda like it. Weird.
Sippy cups are for babies and old people. And I, my friends, am niether.

Please allow me to direct your attention towards my 2 new teeth..... thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

Head Trip

Can you keep a secret? Because I have one to tell you. I'm not sure exactly why I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. I just have. I can't tell you how many times I tried to sit down and write about this very secret on this very blog... only to eventually change my mind and write about something else... about anything else.

I don't know if I was embarrassed or just feeling anxious about the whole situation... either way, I can't put it off any longer. So here I go. I won't be able to hide it anymore for reasons that you will soon realize so I might as well just come out with it. Ready? Here it is:

I'm a robot sent back from the future to warn Linda Hamilton about the rise of the machines and the impending apocolypse. I'm lookeeng fo Sarah Connah... No? No love for the Gov? Fine.

Sorry... Daddy and I were testing the new Blu-Ray this weekend with a little film festival from his movie collection. He calls it part of my Jedi Training where his goal is to make me well rounded and schooled in everything that is considered Daddy Pop Culture. Mommy says that's a fancy way of saying: Daddy wants me to grow up watching the same geeky crap that he did when he was a kid.

But back to my big secret. A couple of weeks ago, Mommy and Daddy took me to a place called Cranial Technologies(cranialtech.com)in order to fix a bump that I have on my head. It's not really a bump so much as it is that I was born with my head a little crooked. These fine people at Cranial tech developed a little brace that babies can wear when they are born with this problem, and it fixes them right up in as little as 3 months.
So we went to their offices and I was measured for my very own custom-made head brace that would be made to fit only me... and my oddly-shaped noggin.

So here we go... My world premier of the look I'll be rocking for the next 3 months:
Ta da!!!! I know what you're thinking... handsome is handsome no matter how silly the head wear.

I'm not sure that I understood you correctly... You're going to make Daddy wear that thing for 3 months and you want me to put it on him for practice?...... Oh, you were speaking to Daddy. That's a relief, I thought I was going to have to force that thing on him. He would've hated that. Can you imagine?.... wait.

Daddy taught me how to do this... It's called using the force and if I concentrate really hard I can levitate the mean lady right out the window................. and she's still here. Great.

Daddy... I really like you and everything but do you really think that now is an appropriate time to teach me to dance La Macarena ?

Esteban Joel Colombian Space Boy makes a few final adjustments to his space gear before venturing out into the great unknown. His mission will be a very important and difficult one... but all that he can think about are the moon rocks in his diapers.

What? You're a giant that feeds on little boys in space helmets? My word... that is very disconcerting... I am very frightened and... wait, that's not a giant... that's Daddy. Wait, that's not a little boy he's eating... that's a cereal bar.

Mommy says that I look like rock star with my new head brace on... I dunno about you... but I think she might be right.

Esteban Joel, Colombian Speed Racer eyes the finish line.

Tell me the truth... does this shirt go with the helmet?

This is an overhead view of the brace. Uh, Daddy... I know you're confused. So before you ask... it's called hair. I'll explain it to you later.

And this is the side view of the brace. If the velcro strap is on the left-hand side of your helmet it means you're available. You hear that ladies?

The helmet came off! The helmet came off! The helmet came off! The helmet finally came off! And with God as my witness... I'm never putting that thing on again!!!!

Uh... okay I just received word that the helmet is only off for a few minutes while they adjust it. So, you know... about all of that with God as my witness stuff I that was saying... never mind.

Whether you like it or not people... this is my look for the next 3 months. Can you dig it?... I knew that you could.

Ninja Crabs and Rainouts

Any veteran of the adoption process knows one thing to be very sure. You need to get accustomed to dissapointment. Not everything will turn out to be quite as you imagined it or get done in the time frame that you imagined it. Everything just kind of seems to flow in it's own natural rythm and things fall into place when they decide to fall into place. You can't fight it or control it... you just kind of have to go with it.

For example... Mommy, Daddy and I were supposed to go to a baseball game this past weekend. Daddy's favorite team was in town for the weekend and we had planned for me to make my professional sporting event debut on Saturday night. But it rained all weekend... Saturday night's game was still played but it was only Daddy and Tio Yared that went, instead of all of us. I ended up staying home that night with the ladies... why?

Because my parents made a joint decision concerning what would be best for me in the long run... Daddy says that all of that is just a bunch of fancy talk for: Mommy didn't let Daddy take me to the game because there was a threat of rain showers. Daddy tried to convince the room that it wasn't going to rain but by then Mommy had recruited Abuelita and Titi Grizi over to her side and it very quickly became a lost cause. In the end... Daddy says that it did rain and he and Tio Yaro were left scrambling for cover most of the night. Let's say it all together now because I'm starting to get the feeling that it's going to be a common theme around here. Ready?... Mommy was right. But, to her credit, Mommy just smiled politely the next morning as Daddy told her the stories of the night before.... then she made him his favorite breakfast... and then she made him say you were right 10 times before allowing him to eat any of it.

Mommy's funny...

Funny story about Daddy. I have to be careful how I say this because I realize that a man's reputation hangs in the balance. So I'll be as professional and delicate as I can... Daddy's is scared to death of crabs. I don't mean scared as in: They freak him out a little bit... I mean scared as in: He runs away squealing like a 12 year old girl who just bumped into a Jonas Brother at a gas station. He can't stand them... and he's convinced that they don't think much of him either.

So on Friday night, Daddy was in garage trying to organize a couple of things when he heard something scratching and clicking on the floor behind him. He turned around and swears that the crab jumped into the air ninja style and kicked him in the face. Daddy says that he did everything he could to get out of that garage alive.

To make a long story short... Mommy had to wake up Tio Yaro and drag his sleepy butt downstairs so he could handle the situation with a pair of pasta tongs. Once the crab was in custody, there was a variety of opinions floating around about what to do with it. Mommy wanted to release it back into the wild... Tio Yaro wanted to steam it and then dip it in a little melted butter... Daddy wanted to put it in a shoe box and keep it behind for questioning. He wanted to know how many more of them there were out there, and their exact location.

So they decide to release it out in front of the house and suddenly an Animal Planet show broke out. What I mean is that a couple of stray cats from the neighborhood got to Mr Crabby and the next morning there was a scene in front of our door that looked like a bomb had gone off in a crab factory. Mommy was about to go inside and grab a broom in order to clean up but Daddy stopped her. He wanted her to leave the front porch exactly the way it was with the remains of the crab spread out all over the place. Daddy said that he wanted to send a message to all of the other ninja crabs out there who might think about sneaking into our garage in order to attack him. Mommy just shook her head silently and walked away muttering to herself.

Hey. Say whatever you want about my Daddy and his twisted logic... but it's been 4 days and not a single crab has been seen around the house.

Message delivered.
This is what happens when you leave your camera unattended near my Titi Grizi. She finds these kinds of pranks to be hilarious... She's from an extremely small town.

On Sunday Mommy and Tio Yaro made sofrito. It's a mixture of spices that are the basis for every Puerto Rican dish. Mommy says that every meal in Puerto Rico begins with sofrito... Daddy claimed the exact same thing to be true in Mexico, except with tequila.

Trust me... it tastes a lot better than it looks.