Mami/Papi Training Day 2: Mind Games

Preparing 2 adults for the trials and tribulations of parenthood goes way beyond just making sure that they can feed you at least 3 times a day and putting a fresh set of clothes on your back. You need to make sure that they are phsychologically equiped to handle the stress and pressure that goes along with it.

That's why I decided that it was time to test their sanity. I needed to know if they had the correct mental make up to actually be my parents for the rest of my life. Were they the type of people that were going to fold under pressure? Would they buckle when the going got rough? I had to find out.

Oh sure they seem normal enough on the outside. They're both professionals with stable careers. (if you can call producing spanish-language television shows stable... or even careers for that matter) And based on the amount of time that I've spent making goofy faces into a computer camera this week, I know that at least they aren't a pair of social misfits.

But neither of those things automatically qualified them as fit parents.



The idea to test them came to me while Mommy was giving me my bath. Since I had kept them up most of the entire night before, I decided to throw them a curve ball and sleep through the entire second night... just to see how they would react. Daddy didn't do very well. He kept getting up every hour to touch my stomach to see if I was still breathing. Can you believe that? On his 3rd "check up" I decided to have a little fun with him. As soon as he reached in to touch me I held my breath... when he woke up Mommy in a panic and she came over to my crib, I started snoring.

I know it's cruel but a kid has to be able to have at least a little fun, right? Things got worse for them ten minutes later when the neighbors in the building across the street decided to begin a kareoke contest... on their balcony... that went until 5 AM!

Yikes.

I was able to sleep right through the whole thing but I was heavily sedated with 6 ounces of formula and a half a jar of mashed peaches. Mommy and Daddy weren't so lucky. Apparently, in Colombia, there are no noise ordinance laws. Daddy found out the hard way.

The next day when I took my mid-morning siesta... Mommy joined me. She told me that she would gladly suffer through 100 late-night kareoke parties in a row and lose 10,000 hours of sleep as long as I was comfortable.

Daddy made no such promises. I think he's on the verge of breaking. He was so tired that he was rambling to himself something about reality shows and live award shows being a piece of cake compared to this. So I curled up on his chest and gave him my best "I love you Daddy" puppy dog smile... and he folded like a cheap suit. He pledged eternal loyalty and vowed to do whatever it took to keep me safe.

I have them right where I want them...

Mami/Papi Training- Day 1

Wikipedia defines "pre term birth" as any baby born before completing 37 weeks of gestation inside their mommy. "Premies", as we are called, tend to be smaller in size than the other babies our age. Therefore...OUR CLOTHES NEED TO BE SMALLER TOO!

Hello? These are supposed to be shorts that I am wearing... not cargo pants. My mommy is mortified. She wants to run out and buy me a whole new wardrobe. My daddy just laughs and calls me DJ Jazzy Esteban and the Fresh Prince. Mommy gets mad when he does that but it's still better than what he really wanted to call me. Sir-Poops-A-Lot.

The first 24 hours of their training has had a little bit of everything. We spent a lot of time on the computer talking to my new extended family. I met my grandparents in Puerto Rico, my grandfather in Texas, my aunts and uncles in Orlando, New Jersey, Kentucky and Miami. I'm sure they are all nice people but jeez... what a bunch of cry-babies. Here's a bit of advice people... telling a kid how handsome he is and then blowing a snot bubble out your nose immediately afterwards tends to kill the moment... I'm just saying.

I decided to give the folks a little thrill and show them some of my moves. That's right sports fans... I can stand up all by myself.

Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

Mommy immediately dialed up Grandma in Puerto Rico on the internet camera so I could demonstrate for her on live TV... of course, I refused. What am I, a circus monkey? Please. I'm an artist!

I decided to play it really cool the first 10 hours or so. I didn't cry, I didn't fuss. I was the sweetest, calmest baby anybody ever saw. Daddy was even talking trash about how easy this whole parenting thing was going to be.

Heh, heh, heh.... Rookie.

My first tantrum came at 2:13 AM. You should have seen them. It was priceless. Actually, mommy was great. She jumped up and had me in her arms within 3.6 seconds. On the other hand, it took Daddy 4 minutes just to untangle himself from the sheets. Once I got my milk, I chilled... until 3:56 AM when I unleashed a bowel movement that would scare a Green Beret.

Daddy attempted to change my diaper alone... note the word attempted. You see folks, it's not only my clothes that are 2 sizes too big. It's also my diapers. So let's just say that I really know how to spread the love around. In the end mommy had to step in and rescue him.

In conclusion, my first 2 tests proved a lot. I learned that Mommy is a keeper. She's calm under pressure and cooks a mean sopita de fidello. She sings to me when I'm sleepy and her kisses on my feet make me giggle. Daddy, however, looks a little nervous. I think the old man's a little rattled after last night. But I think he'll eventually come around.

He thinks he's funny and he seems to be quite fond of me. This is us playing a game he invented called the Laredo Roller Coaster. I think I'll keep him. For now... Let's see what day 2 brings.

Day Of Days

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which you have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. Your task will not be an easy one. Good luck. And let us all beseech the blessing of almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.

General Dwight D. Eisenhower
1944



I WAS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY MID-MORNING NAP...


WHEN THEY WOKE ME UP... WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE? IT'S NOT FEEDING TIME...


EASY THERE BIG MOMMA... PUTTIN ON MY NEW DUDS. WHAT'S GOING ON?


GOODBYE...


GOODBYE...


AND HELLO!








TOLD YOU GUYS THAT THEY WERE COMING.

The Eagle Has Landed!

They're here! They're here! They're here! They're here! They're here! Holy guacamole MY MAMI AND DADDY ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!

Okay... everybody calm down. Get a hold of yourselves. You're embarrassing me.

I know what you're thinking. How could he possibly know? He's stuck in a crib at the orphanage, with no means of transportation and a very limited wardrobe.

Well my friends, Colombian blood runs thick and it runs deep. We'll do almost anything for each other. I was talking to my next-crib neighbor G.G. (I call her G-Money)and it turns out that she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy who makes a living as a professional papparrazi. So I hit him up on my baby blackberry and asked him to do a little snooping around for me.

It seems that a certain couple recently booked a certain flight from Miami, Florida to Cali, Colombia on Thursday June 17th.

So I sent hjim to the Cali airport. Just to see what he could see.

And looky here... Guess who he found.

(click on pix for a closer look)






I don't care what anybody says... that's them arriving at the airport today. That's my new Mom and Dad. It has to be them! I just know it!

So I had my guy follow them and guess what? They did NOT check into a hotel like a regular tourist couple would. No sir, they went to an apartment building that rents out fully furnished units by the month!

Hmmm, now let's see... what takes a month to do in Colombia? Oh, that's right. Now I remember... FINALIZING ADOPTIONS!

They quickly changed clothes and headed out for a quick bite to eat... and my guy went right along with them. He snapped these shots at a little Arepa stand around the corner from the apartment building where they are staying.





Mmmmm. Let's take a closer look at what Daddy ordered.



That looks awesome. Boy if only I had a car, some money... and teeth!

So then I sent my guy to the apartment that they rented. You know... just to take a quick look around and see what he could find.







Nice kitchen. You guys think my new mami can cook?.... nah.

Bottom line folks is that they are here and it is on. It is on like Donkey Kong and nobody will ever be able to tell me any different. I know it's all rumors and theories right now but if I've learned one thing in my 11 months on this Earth it's that all rumors are based on 90% truth. Just look at Ricky Martin.

I know that Sunday is Father's Day, but I'm declaring Monday as Esteban Day. because that's the day I get my parents. That's the day I move in with them into that cool apartment. That's the day that I've been waiting for my whole life.

Por Fin!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Esteban Joel and I live in Cali, Colombia. I was just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill kid. Cute as a button, slept a lot, wet and pooped myself on ocassion... you know, A kid! Just like all of the millions of other kids out there. Well, there was one thing that was a little different about me... I needed a mom and dad. So what's a kid to do? There's only one thing to do...

Adopt.

Friends, the international adoption process can be a very taxing and scary process. Especially when you're 11 months old, toothless and unemployed. Now, a lot of you may be asking yourselves; what's a Colombian single guy with novela good looks like me doing adopting parents from the US? Well, to be honest, I never saw myself as the kind of person that would ever strive this badly to be somebody's kid. I just figured I'd live my life and if it happened it happened, and if not... no biggie. Call it a mid-month crisis or whatever you want but ever since the decision was made to adopt, I've never wanted anything more in my life. It became an obsession. I thought it would be the ideal win/win scenario. I would get the privilage of a mommy and a daddy and they would get the privilage of paying for my college.

I thought it would be a relatively simple process. I spoke to other kids who had adopted or who knew somebody who had adopted. They all made it seem like they were just handing out mommies and daddies on street corners in other countries. But it doesn't work that way. It's a very long and frustrating road. I've been waiting a long time. There were many times during that wait when I thought about giving up and just resigning myself to the fact that not every kid was meant to have parents. My friends were all very positive. They'd all say the same things. "It would be ok... It's not the end of the world... I wasn't the only one in the world with this problem"... bla bla bla. Whatever. Anyway I sliced it, bottom line was that I was always going to be that kid. You know the one. The one everyone talks about in hushed tones. "Ay, pobrecito"... "He's been trying for so long"... "If anyone deserves parents it's him"... and my personal favorite: "The saddest thing of all is that he would make such a great son."

How sad... how dramatic... how pathetic.

So what do you do? You adjust, you overcome. You brace yourself for another dissapointing holiday season when suddenly, out of the blue... (drumroll please)... They found them. My mommy and daddy! They're Americans... sort of. Mommy is from Puerto Rico and Daddy is from Laredo. They found out that I adopted them while they were on a camping trip. The word on the street is that my room is all ready and waiting for me back in Miami. Is that really possible? They just found out about me. Is my mommy really that motivated? And what about daddy? I wonder what his deal is.

So that's why I started this blog. I wanted there to be some sort of official record of this in case they turn out to be weirdos... or space aliens. My posts won't usually be this long. I'll be too busy breaking them in. Mostly pictures and stuff like that. Rumor has it that they might be coming for me as early as this week. Some people say that they are trying to get me by Father's Day, others say that they won't come until right after that. I really don't care...

As long as they're coming.

Below is the video of mami and daddy finding out that they have been adopted. It is mostly audio because the video is dark and shaky. I guess that's what happens when you go camping and leave your lighting crew behind.