My Do's and Don'ts

I know what you're thinking. He's so handsome... but why is he eating crackers when he has no teeth? My answer is very simple. I don't need them.

As a matter of fact, I've discovered that there are a lot of things out there that a human being can eat without having a single tooth in his entire head. The following is my list so far:
1) Rice
2) Beans
3) Avocados
4) Tomatoes
5) Mashed Potatoes
6) Chicken
7) Saltine Crackers
8) Pasta
9) Flour Tortillas
10) Cheese
11) Eggs
12) Toast
13) Cherries
14) Oatmeal
I've discovered a lot of things about myself since I moved to the United States. I know it's barely been a month but I've already noticed a couple of things that are drastically different from when I used live in Cali... and a couple of things that are still the same.

I sleep more over here. I also eat more. I like my room a lot. I've never had my own private space... I like it. Everything in there is mine. Daddy says I need to learn to share... we'll see.

I've learned that I operate really well in public places. Malls, restaurants, Mommy and Daddy's workplaces. As long as I have something to roll around in like my stroller or my blue car... I'm good. People are amazed by how well I behave. They can't believe it. Daddy tells them that of course I'm well behaved... I'm exhausted from screaming for the entire 45 minute car ride there. Daddy then tells everyone that he is only joking... sort of.

Now that I'm an official gringo like the rest of you, I have learned to accept and participate in a couple of American customs. I love malls and AC in the car and hair gel and humidifiers and toys that light up and television and baby vitamins and swing chairs and really good strollers and the internet cameras that show me my extended family. I also love having a cat around to terrorize. I love speaker phones and remote controls and DVD players and computer mouses and cameras.

I still hate baby car seats, having to wear clothes, having to wear socks, having to wear PJs, having to wear shoes.

I don't like apple juice or apple sauce or apple slices. I don't like to be carried if we are not moving around. I don't like to be in my car or stroller unless we are moving. And I especially don't like the plastic Jar Jar Binks doll that Padrino Poncho gave me. At first, I wouldn't play with it just because it looked kinda weird and creepy... and then Daddy showed me episode II.

Really Padrino Poncho? Out of all of the characters that you had to choose from, you chose Jar Jar Binks ? I'll bet you're also a Carrot Top fan aren't you?
Joel... Esteban Joel. Undercover agent. Does that... excite you?
Wow! Yes that was quite entertaining, Mother. Thank you for that. Uh... one question. How are we going to remove the diaper that just went completely up my butt?
Hit the button... and a horn outside honks. Hit the button again... and the horn honks outside again. This is amazing. Does Daddy know about this trick?
I gotta tell you, I agree with Mommy. La Macarena is one of the most under-appreciated dances of all time.
Tio Angel asked what brand of diapers I used and Daddy told him Howard Huggies.

Curve Ball

Daddy went back to work today without a warning. One day we're hanging out together all day long, just us guys and the next.... I should have known something was up when he came downstairs this morning wearing long pants.

The way I understand it is the folowing: Mommy works for a production company that produces a TV show that airs from September till November. After November she will be staying home with me all of the time. Daddy, on the other hand, works for a Television Network. They make him work all of the time and he hardly ever gets any time off.

Just like that, the ecosystem of the house changed completely. Exit Aunt Sandy and Cousin Nicole... Enter Tio Yared and Titi Grisi. Tio Yared is Mommy's younger brother and Titi Grisi is his fiancee. Mommy says that the word finacee is french for the person who will soon own your heart... Daddy says that if things don't go well in the marriage, the word could also mean the person who will soon own your house.

Funny observation... Let me start by saying that my Abuelita Angie is a a very conservative, religious woman. Her beliefs are very important to her and they define a major part of who she is... at least that's what Mommy always says. We've been spending a a lot of time together lately and I've decided that as far as grandmothers go... I got a pretty good one in Abuelita Angie. She's kind, she's soft-spoken, she's always happy to see me, she never gets mad and she's always there.
So here's the funny part of the story... Abuelita's religion frowns on dancing. It's against the rules so she never does it. Daddy says that in the 6 years that he's known her, he thinks he saw her clapping along to a song once... but never dancing.

So the other morning Mommy and Abuelita were feeding me breakfast in the kitchen and one of Mommy's favorite songs started playing on the radio. So Mommy starts dancing for me... and I start to giggle. The more she danced... the more I giggled. Before I knew what was happening I was having an all-out baby laughing fit. Suddenly, Mommy's cell phone goes off and she runs off upstairs to retrieve it. On the way up the stairs she crosses paths with Daddy who is sleepily making his way down the stairs looking for his morning cup of tea. Daddy rounds the corner into the kitchen and when he does... he catches Abuelita Angie dancing her booty off for the giggly enjoyment of her grandson.

SINNER he yelled at her. Abuelita never skipped a beat and just kept right on boogying with me. Daddy said that he wanted to show us a movie called Footloose with more or less the same plot line as what happened in our kitchen that morning.
Mmmmmm... the evil mummy will roam the land looking for the perfect empanada.
I'm getting up... I'm getting up... I'm getting up...
Suckers... I can't get up yet.
Heard of road rage? I have road rash. Wanna see where?
Mommy's at work and now Daddy's at work and we are completely alone here! I cannot believe that you are not nervous about this Abuelita.

School's Out

My master plan to drive my Daddy insane has been temporarily derailed by the arrival of my arch-nemesis... my grandmother.

She's experienced...

She's patient...

She's unflappable...

She's given Daddy a chance to rest and re-charge his batteries. I had him on the brink of a meltdown and she saved him. I'm no challenge to her. She raised 3 kids on a mountain in Puerto Rico before the invention of Ask Google or Web MD.

Abuelita has a special power that renders all of my evil powers useless.

She calls it love.

When she's around, I get so much attention that I don't have the strength or energy to torture Daddy. Even if I were to try, she'd just swoop in and difuse the situation.

And then you add in the involvement of these two degenerates and before you know it, you have a full-blown posse of comadres dropping in like the 101st Airborn Division and rescue Daddy.

It's okay. I'll lie and wait. They can't visit forever. He'll be alone again soon... that's when I'll strike.

I've been throwing nap curveballs at them all week. Some days I don't nap at all and go to bed by 7 pm and other days I take two really good naps and don't even consider going down until 9 or even 10 o'clock at night. Those were the nights when I would often hear Daddy weeping through the walls when we were alone. But not anymore... thanks to the family.

Regardless... having visitors in the house is cool. They're all full of energy and are always smiling and laughing with me. Kinda like what Mommy and Daddy were like at the beginning. All bright-eyed and full of life. Just a couple of crazy kids in love... they had their whole futures ahead of them and now... their futures belong to me.
A stick up? What do you mean put my hands up? Oh my gosh I'm getting mugged. Ok... stay calm. You want my wallet and car keys? I don't have a wallet... wait that's not a mugger. That's Daddy... wait, that's not a gun... it's a Snicker's Bar.
Stupid cat. If I was 3 inches taller you'd be in the dishwasher already.
Look, Abuelita... I'm not saying that anybody is better than anybody else... All I'm saying is that historically speaking the Colombians have contributed much more to society than the Puerto Ricans have, that's all.
Okay Abuelita... I see I've offended you. I'll make it all better with some impressions. Ready? Arrrg, matie! Got a bit of the scurvy, do ya? That was a pirate... no?
Okay... how bout this? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! You want me on that wall... you need me on that wall! You're darn right I ordered that code red! Nothing?... Not a Nicholson fan, huh?
Okay... last one. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding and you ask me to perform a service for you... If I do this, a day may come when I will come to you and ask you to return the favor. And on that day, I know that you will not dissapoint me. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse..
Sniff...I'm okay. It's just that I consider myself an artist and for you to not recognize any of my impressions... It's a bit of a reality check, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to miss you too Nicole... It's all I can think about, really... ok? Now gently put me down on the floor so I can squash that cat.
This is my favorite game. I call it: Abuelita thinks I'm smiling... but I'm really pooping!

Sabado Gigante!

It's hot here. Really hot. Cali is hot too... but not like this. This is the kind of hot that makes you do irrational things. Things like agreeing to participate in a third birthday party for me. Exactly how many parties do you gringos need before you are satisfied?


I'm sorry. I've been a little testy lately. Maybe it's the heat.

Mommy and Daddy said that all of their friends were dying to meet me. They've been planning this party for a long time... about 3 years or so, Daddy says.

Eventually I threw caution to the wind and said what the heck. My first 2 birthday parties were awesome, and if I recall correctly a major element in birthday parties is presents so... bring it on!
These are my aunts Patricia... Andrea... Michele... and Stephanie. Someone put super glue on their backs and they were forced to spend the entire day in this exact position.
Wow. It's like a scene from Willy Wonka... which would make me a Colombian oompa loompa.
Okay, Mommy... act casual. You see those 3 little girls over there? Are any of them looking at me? No?... How about now?
Daddy thinks Tio Poncho is a riot. They've been friends for 20 years. Mommy says that they deserve each other.
Okay Aunt Ronnie... listen very closely. I'll poop myself to distract everyone and you grab some birthday cake and meet me out back in 10 minutes, got it?
I purposely matched my shirt with Aunt Maria's jewelry. Had she worn something silver... I'd be wearing my Micheal Jackson I wanna rock with you pants.
So... how are Nieves and Pepe... good?
Okay, Melissa Marty. You may carry me but may NOT kiss me. I don't like kisses, I think they are icky and...

I'm sorry...What was I saying?
Tia Andrea is Colombian, like me, so she can kiss me whenever she wants... Is that a crack in the ceiling?
Okay, okay relax. We'll make it happen. Um... let's see. Monday's no good... Tuesday's booked... I got a dinnner thing on Wednesday... It's Ortiz with a Z, right? I know I have you in here somewhere.
Daddy... Why does everybody call Tia Joyce Turkalicious?
Uh... never mind.
She: Chocolate Balls?
Me: How dare you.
Oh hi Tia Lovey. It's great to see you again too...sort of.
Daddy, why does everybody call Tia Patricia La Fresca? Um... never mind.
Daddy says that Tio Angel and I have a lot in common... from the neck, up.
Tio Poncho brought a Pinata to my party. We were all supposed to beat it with a stick until it spills candy.... We're talking about the pinata, right?
Back it up ladies... I carry a big stick.
Okay... I need everyone to form a single line and then calmly proceed to the candy.
Thank you.
Again with the singing and the staring before the cake... This is a strange tradition.
It's like the poor man's Avatar.
While the kids were getting their faces painted... Daddy and Uncle Poncho decided to settle an old debt in the bounce house.

There were a bunch of presents... but I already had everything I needed. happy birthday to me... again.