Performing Death-Defying Stunts For My Family's Enjoyment

What the heck are you looking at? Actually... I take that back. Forget what I said before. I want you to look. Take a good long look. I want you to study the image that you see on the left because it is about to change dramatically. In exactly 2 weeks my entire look will change. My life and my head will never be the same again. That's right sports fans... My helmet is coming off. Can you dig it? The Doctor said that my head was finally ready for action. Whatever imperfection that was there before has apparentley been corrected and I am ready to move forward with my life... and my head. I miss my Aunt Sandy. She fusses over me like nobody else. She's all kissy kissy mushy all day every day. Normally, that kind of stuff doesn't work on me. But Aunt Sandy has this strange power over me. She starts with the kisses and the baby talk and I get all goo goo ga ga on her. It's a little embarrassing... for the both of us. Daddy calls it the Amparo Curse. The curse doesn't allow you to be within 5 feet of a toddler without becoming a blubbering idiot gushing out strange sounds and making ridiculous faces. Aunt Sandy is teeming with the curse. Both she and Daddy agree that she is slowly becoming their mother. Both she and Daddy also agree that they are not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.



These Videos are further proof of my impressive strength and bravery.


Daddy says that once my helmet comes off we might have to take it a little easy on the stunts because I won't have that extra layer of protection anymore. I'm going to have to remind him that I don't have an easy gear. At least, not yet.

Sigh...

Breaking in new parents is never easy.

Turkey, Football and Family

I just experienced my second official American holiday... and I think I like it. It's called Thanksgiving, maybe you've heard of it. I did some research and it turns out that that this holiday came about when the early settlers invited some of the local natives over for a feast in order to celebrate the fact that they were about to steal all of their land, pillage their crops and terrorize their people... At least that's Daddy's version. Mommy says that Thanksgiving is all about one thing... Family. The procedure is simple enough from what I could gather.

Step 1: Cook an enormous amount of food.
Step 2: Invite over an enormous amount of people.
Step 3: Introduce the People to the food.
Step 4: Get out of the way.

The weekend was a series of crazy adventures one after another so it's better if I just give you the major points in a simplified, outline form.

Consider this a sort of Thanksgiving Weekend for Dummies version of all of the events that happened last week. It was a week of milestones and dreams... and stuffing.

Wednesday, 11:00 AM: Mommy and I arrive in Texas where Daddy was already waiting for us. I got to go on my 2nd airplane ride, ever. The results were similar to my 1st airplane ride, ever.

It went like this: I remember Mommy giving me a huge bottle of formula upon take off... and then I remember waking up after we landed. I don't know how she does it.

Wednesday, 12:17 PM: I met my Grandfather for the very first time. He's my Daddy's Daddy and he lives with my aunt Sandy who is my Daddy's older sister. He's funny and he gave me lots of rides around the house from his chair. Grandpas are awesome!

Wednesday 5:57 PM: Daddy introduces me to his favorite toys that he used to play with when he was a kid. Apparentley he saved them all with the intention of one day passing them on to his child. I know that most of you think that this kind of thing is very sweet and touching... I, however, feel that a personal gaming system would have been a more appropriate gift.

Wednesday 6:07 PM: So you say that in 1975 this was a parking garage for your hot wheels? Guess what?... it's 2010 and now it's a chair, ok? Deal with it.

Wednesday, 7:24 PM: Big day tommorrow. I just found out that tommorrow's turkey out-weighs me by 5 pounds. Not quite sure how I feel about that yet.

Thursday, 7:51 AM: Went for an early Thanksgiving morning ride around my aunt Sandy's neighborhood. She said she wanted a little peace and quiet before the chaos started. I like her neighborhood. It reminded me of my home town of Cali, Colombia... except about 80 degrees colder.

Thursday, 8:09 AM: Aunt Sandy discovers that Daddy lightly grazed her mailbox with the car this morning when he and Mommy left on a little road trip.

Thursday, 9:17 AM: My grandfather came out of his bedroom finally and gave me my first chair ride of the day. Look how happy he looks... he has no idea that he is about to do this about 387 more times today.

Thursday, 11:23 AM: Oh great. I get it. We're all sucking our thumb because we love to mock the kid in the helmet. How very funny indeed.... KILLER ROBOTS HAVE NO SENSES OF HUMOR!

Thursday, 1:04 PM: Mommy and Daddy have almost arrived to their destination. They will be spending the day together doing something that they love to do while my aunt Sandy will spend the day doing what she loves to do... taking care of me!

I gotta tell you... I'm liking my aunt sandy's style a little more every day.

Thursday, 2PM: Lunch is served at my aunt Sandy's house. The last time I saw this much food was... was... Ok, never.

Thursday, 3PM: Mommy and Daddy arrive at their destination. Mommy surprised Daddy with tickets to the big game over 6 months ago. Daddy said that going to see his favorite team play in person is a huge deal for him. Someday... when I'm older... I'll join him, he says.

Of course, I'll refuse to go and declare that I don't care for the sport of football... Just to see the look on his face.

Thursday, 3:03 PM: Daddy declares that he can now die happy. Mommy then informed him that he wasn't allowed to die untill my college loan is paid off.

Thursday, 4:09 PM. Daddy declares that he wants to live in the stadium from now on. He plans to home-school me and we will all weigh over 500 pounds after eating nothing but nachos and hot dogs for the rest of our lives... I'm in!

Thursday, 4:27 PM: We start watching the game back home... I can't find my Mommy and Daddy anywhere in the stands.

Thursday, 5:12PM: Things start to go wrong for our team.

Thursday, 5:29 PM: Very wrong...

Thursday, 5:50 PM: Daddy tries to find a little ray of hope... somewhere.

Thursday, 6:08 PM: But it was not to be.

Thursday, 6:13 PM: I see them! I see them! No wait... that's a commercial.

Thursday, 6:28 PM: It's all over. Daddy will get over it soon... maybe.

Thursday, 7:00 PM: I try my best to deal with my dissapointment the best way that I know how.

Thursday, 7:29 PM: Mommy and Daddy find their brick in a sea of bricks!

Thursday, 7:30 PM: So they decided to celebrate...

Thursday, 7:31 PM: and then they proceeded to celebrate some more.

Thursday, 7:35 PM: I guess we all celebrate in our own ways...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Party Animal

I got schooled on another one of your American traditions last week.

The kid birthday party phenomenon .

It's an amazing thing. It works like this: All of the parents that have kids, more or less the same age, get together and socialize together while ignoring their children for hours at a time.

It sounds crazy... but it works. It's because all of the Mommies and Daddies already know each other. They've been friends forever, except that now they never get to see each other. Why? Because of us.. their children. So everytime that there is a birthday for one of the kids... they all jump into action and get together to "celebrate the child's birthday"... but we know better. They're there to socialize with each other... period.

In this case, the excuse... I mean the birthday boy was named Austin and he had a costume birthday party at this really cool place that was full of these amazing structures filled with air. I've never seen anything like it. They were huge and tall like sky scrapers and they were all different colors and shapes. Daddy says that they are called Bounce Houses and he says that they are very common in this country. It works differently in Colombia. Where I'm from... when it's your birthday they take you into the bedroom and tell you to jump on the bed. The bed is in your house... there's your bounce house. Congratulations, have a piece of cake.
Austin's Daddy, Uncle Oscar, took me into the bounce house because Daddy was not allowed by the management to enter with me because he wasn't wearing socks. Daddy tried to explain that he was wearing sandals that day and that he didn't know the rules, but the manager told him that he could not enter a bounce house without socks for reasons of hygene. Daddy said that someone should explain these intricate hygene rules to the 4 year old who was currently peeing down the bouncy slide at the back end of the room.

Another thing that I noticed about these Kid Parties is the food. There's pizza and cake and soft drinks and chips and cookies. But the kids don't eat it. They're too busy running around in the bounce houses to even stop and think about food. We can eat later. The bounce houses will only be available for the next 3 hours!

So who gets to eat all of this junk food? The parents! They sit around gossiping and laughing with each other while shoving pizza down their throat and drinking diet softdrinks from tiny paper cups with Dora The Explorer on them.
After about 2 hours on the bounce house I was ready for a nap. My friend Mia told me that I was the best play date that she had ever had. That made me feel good because I know that her Mommy and Daddy are really good friends with my Mommy and Daddy. So that means that we'll probably be seeing a lot more of each other everytime we get together to "celebrate another child's birthday".

In the end, I guess it ends up as a win-win situation for everybody involved. The kids get to run around and play together... the parents get to see each other and hang out together... and the birthday boy or girl ends up with a boat-load of presents and a day to remember. As a matter of fact... the birthday boy, Austin, was so busy running around in his little Indiana Jones costume that I didn't even get to take a picture with him.

But that's Okay. I got to take lots of pictures with the real guests of honor at this party... the parents.

One Small Step for Man... And Other Amazing Stunts

So Daddy decided that it was time for me to stop being afraid of grass and dirt. Just like that... he decided that it was time. So, once again, the ugly side of this dictatorship that we call parenthood has reared it's ugly head.

Because, once again, there was no discussion... no memo... not even a carrier pigeon to deliver the news to me. I just woke up one day and Daddy announced that we had chores to do in the back yard. He then marched me out to that pile of dirt and weeds that he calls a back yard and plopped me down in the middle of it.

At first... I was a bit unsure. Please understand one thing. It's not that I'm a prude or anything like that. The reason that I'm not comfortable out in nature is because I don't have much experience with it. Remember that I spent the first year of my life in a room with 15 other babies who were also waiting to adopt parents. There was barely enough time to keep us fed and in clean diapers to worry about taking us for field trips into the great outdoors. And even when I did get to go outside, it was usually for a very short time and they almost never put me on the ground.

But those days are over. I can go outside anytime I want to now. And Daddy said that it was time to stop being silly and embrace the dirt and the grass.

And so I did.
Mommy has this bannana plant in the back yard and Daddy decided that it was time for a little trim. Nothing drastic, just a little clean up project. So he casually carries me out to the middle of the yard and just plops me down in the tall grass and then walks away without saying a word.

What? Really?

Stupid Bannana Plant.

So I slowly make my way forward on my hands and knees... not bad. Then I stood up and tried to see if I could do a little grass walking. I did okay... about four steps before I fell... and felt nothing. And that's when it happened. That was the moment that I finally got the whole grass thing.

It doesn't hurt when you fall on it. That's why sports are played on it and picnics are had on top of it. Because it's soft... or at least softer than concrete or tile floors, which is what I'm used to.

I get it! I finally get it!
The rest of the afternoon was a blur of tumbles and falls and handfulls of grass and dirt and mud and rocks and weeds and bugs. It was awesome. I didn't just get over my fear of the back yard... I dominated that back yard... I rocked that back yard.

I walked from the dirt... to the grass... to the fence... to the stupid bannana plant... to the grill... and then back to the dirt again. I must have fallen over 20times that day... and not a single one hurt my hands, knees or butt. Daddy just kept on trimming the tree and watched me with a little smile on his face the whole time as I got myself as dirty as I've ever been in my life.

Eventually, Daddy finished what he was doing with the trees and plants and joined me on the floor. We built little dirt roadways and pushed some of my toy cars through them... then we drew shapes and letters in the dirt with a stick... and ended our day with a little wrestling match on the grass. When Mommy came home and found Daddy and I in our filthy clothes coming in from the back yard she couldn't help but laugh.

Did the baby cry again when you put him on the grass? she asked.
No. Daddy said. He doesn't cry with that anymore... and don't call him a baby.
What shall we call him then? Mommy asked.
Little Man Daddy said with a smile. He is now my Little Man.

There was a strange look on Daddy's face as he carried me upstairs for my bath. Mommy said, later, that it was pride. She said that he was proud of me for overcoming one of my fears in such a convincing manner. Mommy also said that now that I've overcome my fear of grass... I can now move forward and become the professional athlete that Daddy has been telling everybody I'm going to become anyway. I don't know what kind of athlete I'm going to be. All I know is that this whole making your parents proud of you thing leaves everyone with a pretty good feeling inside.

Little Man likes that.

Daddy says for me to stay next to the bannana plant... uh... I don't see it.

Okay Daddy... don't move... but there is a 25 foot snake right behind you... and it's spitting up a river of water... wait... that's the hose... nevermind.

While Daddy attempts to point... shoot... and click. I'll attempt to eat this bug.

Bringing Home The Bacon

I have an issue. It isn't so much an issue as much as it is a point of confusion for me. I don't understand exactly what it is that my parents do with themselves all day. All I know is that they leave in the morning and then I don't see them again till the evening. That's over 8 hours of unsupervised freedom. Completely unacceptable. They could be anywhere... doing anything. You know how they are at that age. I know that they go to this place called work but... what does that mean?

I imagine a huge building with a single flashing neon sign that reads: WORK! They come home tired so they must have them doing some kind of strenuous physical activities in there. They also stay late sometimes so it must be at least a little fun... because no one stays extra time at a place where they aren't having a good time, right?

My days are pretty routine from Monday to Friday. We all get up together and have breakfast and then I go off with Mommy to day care while she and Daddy go off to work. Daddy was out of town all last week on a business trip in a place called Las Vegas. He's a part of a huge team that produces a TV show with live music and awards every year. The show was on way past my bedtime so I didn't get to see it but Mommy did and she thought it was good. But she thinks everything that Daddy does is good. She must either really like him... or must really not want to hurt his feelings. It's probably a little bit of both. Daddy came home looking exhausted but I surprised him with my new trick and he forgot all about his aching feet.
I can walk... sort of.

I don't know how or when it happened. One day I was doing my standing up trick and then before I knew what was happening... I lost my balance, leaned forward and started putting one leg in front of another and I walked... sort of. I didn't think too much of it, no bog deal, right? But Mommy and Daddy reacted like I had just discovered gold in the back yard. They immediately put me in front of the computer so I could perform my new little trick for the grandparents in Puerto Rico and Texas... naturally, I refused.

Sigh

Will these two ever learn? I do the trick mostly in the mornings. That's when I have the most strength in my legs. By 4pm I'm tired and thinking about eating and pooping and my bath time and my bed time. I'm no good at night. I lose all of my equilibrium and stumble around the house knocking over things. Mommy says that I remind her of a bull in a china shop when I do that. Daddy says that I remind him of his Tio Felipe on Saturday nights when I do that. I don't know what he means by that but it sure makes Daddy laugh everytime he says it. By the way Mommy reacted to the joke makes me think that she may have a Tio Felipe or two in her family as well.

So after much consideration I've decided to allow my parents to keep working. I'm still not sure exaclty what goes on in there for 8-10 hours everyday that's so important that they can't hang out with me... but I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. Daddy says that I will soon learn that a man is defined by what he does for a living. He says that he works his butt off everyday so that I can learn, through his example, the importance of making hard work a daily habit. Mommy says that all of that macho talk is fine and good... as long as Daddy doesn't, one day, decide to teach me through his example, the importance of passing gas as a daily habit.

I'm way ahead of the both of them on that trick.

So for now, I think I'll keep on doing what I've been doing. I adopted these guys almost 5 months ago and I've learned that the best way to go about it is to give them prizes a little bit at a time. You don't just get up and show them that you can walk all at once. You gotta milk it a little. First, you show them you can stand up by yourself and they go crazy. Then you show them that you can take a few steps and they lose their minds. Next, I plan to say the words Mommy and Daddy to them. After they come to, I'm sure that they'll call everybody up again so that I can repeat it for everyone in the family... Of course I will refuse and drive them absolutely up the wall. It's all a part of my master plan to destroy their spirits and minds. That's when I'll pull out the big guns. That's when I'll look them in the eyes and say... I love you.

The great Tom Landry said it best: You gotta break 'em all the way down in order to properly build them back up again. That's just how I roll.

I'll keep you posted.