Cool Tee Shirts and Bad Haircuts

A funny thing happened on the way to the barber shop... Actually a funny thing happened while Mommy was cutting my hair at home... but we'll come back to that a little later. I have a more pressing matter to deal with. Something that I've had on the tip of my tongue for quite some time and I just can't seem to spit it out... literally.

I'm about to start talking and I haven't decided exactly what my first words are going to be. Mommy and Daddy are both trying really hard to make sure that the first acutal sentence that I blurt out will be meaningful so they are constantly repeating key phrases to me. Yo te amo... Buenos dias Mama... Gracias Papa... and so on. Don't get me wrong, I talk... well, I say 6 words if you want me to be completely honest with you.

1) Mama
2) Papa
3) Lola (the cat)
4) Mas
5) Galleta
6) Three!... (only when preceded by Mommy saying: One... Two...)

That's about it. That is the complete and unabridged version of the Esteban vocabulary. Not too bad of a menu of words. The way I see it, if I never learn another word the rest of my life I'll at least be able to ask my parents for more crackers (3 to be exact) and then ask the cat to join me.

But seriously... Since both of my parents are now actively campaigning to make sure that their chosen sentence makes it as my first official words... It suddenly occured to me the immense power that I, once again, have over them. I completely control them now. They don't mind that I prattle off gibberish for 6 hours at a time. They sit there patiently and listen closely for any glimps of a coherent sentence... any sentence. I need to choose these first words very carefully. As I've said before; with great power comes great responsibility. If I say something like: Te quiero un monton, Mama. My Mommy would die of happiness and go to Puerto Rican Heaven (which Daddy insists resembles Disney World... only louder and none of the rides work). But if I were to say something like: More quesadillas please then we'd lose Daddy to a brain embolism for sure.

I think I'm going to go with something completely random. Maybe something like: Peas make me nervous or Frank Burns eats Worms. That'll make them really crazy. They'll spend days analyzing and theorizing in order to find the true meaning. What is it about the peas that frightens him? Is it the shape or the color? I can already hear them. In the end I'll probably say something short and sweet like: Hello Mama or Gracias Papa. Either way, Mommy and Daddy will treat it like the greatest phrase ever uttered by a toddler with 8 pounds of poop in his diaper. And that's what I like about these two. They're so new at this that they still treat every situation as a monumental epic event. I don't know how much longer this will last but I plan to milk it for all it's worth.

Funny story about my new haircut. Mommy decides, while Daddy is away on a business trip, that she is going to cut my hair in the bathroom at home. She felt that this was a good idea for two reasons: 1) She cuts Daddy's hair (whats left of it) at home all the time. 2) I'm a patient kid. I'll sit still if you give me something to hold or eat. That's how Mommy trims my nails and inspects my ears and nose. Everything was set for a succesful trim. I was seated comfortably on the bathroom counter top playing with my toothbrush. Mommy was clipping away at my curls and was feeling so cocky that she pulled out the electric clippers to tidy up the back of my neck. That's when the cat decided to jump up onto the counter with us. I jerked my head around... Mommy jumped... and before I knew what was happening, there was a 6 inch trench dug into the side of my head. Sh ehad no choice... she had to shave my head completely and start over.

Mommy cried and sent Daddy a picture of my new shaved head to his phone and he laughed for 17 minutes straight while sitting on the floor at the Dallas Airport. He said he loved it because we now had matching haircuts. Eventually Mommy calmed down and began to laugh as well. Great. Everyone laugh at the short, bald kid. Very nice.
Esteban Joel, Killer Robot from the planet 4eyes tries in vane to blend in with the cool crowd on Miami Beach.

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen... my first trick is called: The vanishing cream puffs.

Now you see them...

And then poof they're gone! Where did they go? I'll never tell.

Rice Rice Baby To Go... Word to Your Mother.

6 Month Report Card

Do you have a second? I was wondering if I could take up a little of your time in order for me to get a few things off of my chest. Just a couple of notes and comments on you and your culture and your society. You see, I've officially been living in your country for a little under 6 months now and I thought that it was time that I let my feelings be known about a few of your traditions, habits and behaviors. What's that? You don't like being judged likr that? Don't be silly. Don't think of it as being judged... just think of it as being graded. See? Isn't that better?

1) Parks and Recreations: Love them, love them, looooooove them. From kiddie playgrounds to lifetime memberships at the Miami Zoo. You guys really know what you are doing when it comes to keeping little guys like me entertained. Even the malls have carousels to ride on and giant turtles to climb on and clowns with balloons and face painters and cotton candy. It's dizzying. It's like Daddy always says: Behind every happy smile on a jungle jim... stands an exhausted parent wishing he or she could figure out how to nap with their eyes open. Final grade: A+

2) Roads and Traffic: This one depends on who you talk to. I give it an A or better while Daddy gives it a D while Mommy gives it a B. That's because the traffic issues where we live now are either better or worse when compared to what you are used to. For example; I'm from Cali, Colombia where scooters and motorcycles rule the roadways and they zig and zag in front of you and behind you as you make your way down the highway. Red lights are optional, just like child safety seats and speed limits. It can be very dangerous... but it's a lot better over here. Mommy, on the other hand, is from Puerto Rico where she says the rules or courtesy on the roads are not so much ignored as much as they are mocked and ridiculed. Mommy says that motorists and shoppers on the island treat everyday like if it was Black Friday. It's every man and woman for themselves and good luck, be careful and grab me a mini food processor if you see one. Daddy is from Texas where he says everyone is courteous and safety concious. He says that the rules of the road are observed and respected and every motorist is always on the lookout for their fellow drivers. This is the part where Mommy usually rolls her eyes... but oddly enough she agrees with Daddy on this point. She loves the state of Texas and agrees about the courteous drivers there. Either way, I'm relatively happy with the roadways and traffic flow in Florida. The turnpikes are clean and never clogged. The city roads are clean and pot-hole free and people (for the most part)follow the rules of the road. The traffic can get tiresome, especially when you're strapped into a baby seat like a tiny astronaut but... Overall grade: B+.
3) Food and Dining: Understand this... most of my meals come from home. Mommy is a beast in the kitchen and I've been exposed to her unique Puerto-Mexican cuisine that has me very happy. Whenever Mommy can't cook, we have a large assortment of Latin and American restaurants to choose from. But 95% of the time... It's Che-Mommy. Top five Mommy Meals 5- Asopao (chicken soup/veggies) 4-Carne Guisada (beef stew) 3-Macajon con Carne (mac and cheese with beef) 2-Tostones Rellenos (beef-stuffed plantaine) 1-Pollito Mostasa (mustard chicken). I have no complaints in this department. Breakfast is either fruit and yogurts or eggs and flour tortillas. I love it all. It helps that I now have 11 teeth. Overall grade: A+.

4) Service: Once again... this grade depends on where you come from but I love how quickly you get service in this country. The garbage disposal guy was here the same day we called him... the satelite guy showed up on his own because he was on a service call in the neighborhood and he noticed that our antena needed an upgrade... Mommy's car got boken into and the police showed up in 5 minutes to help her and then the insurance company sent a guy to Mommy's workplace in order to replace the broken window... The list just goes on and on. Oh sure, not everything is perfect. I could do without the sales calls at 9:30 at night and the lines at the doctor's office waiting rooms are a joke but I love living in a place where the little things get done the right way... it gives me hope for the bigger things. Overall grade A.

So there you have it. Not bad for a first-time assesment. I think it's safe to say that this whole living in America thing is well worth the price of adoption. I'll tell you another thing that's great about living over here... the people. So giving and warm. Don't get me wrong... the Colombian people are tops, but I recently received something in the mail that made me feel really good. It was a hand-made blanket from the grandparents of my former roomate back in Colombia. Gloria Grace and I go back all the way to the beginning. I call her G-Money and she calls me EJ. We adopted our parents at the same time and our new Mommies kept in contant communication through emails and telephone giving each other positive thoughts and energy while they were in Colombia.

So now that everybody is home and trying to adapt to their new lives I get a present from G-Money's granparents. Daddy says that the fact that these good people took the time to even consider buying me a present for Christmas, much less, make the effort of making it says everything about them and their character that needs to be said.

I don't know what Daddy is talking about. I never heard anybody say anything or show me any characters or nothing... All I know is that the blanket is super cool and super warm. It has my name on one side and the Colombian flag on the other. So to my Abuelita Jean and Abuelito Howie I say... Thank you and good night.

Ok... Is the weird kid still staring at me?... How about now?
Listen Kid... I don't know who you are or what you want but you're starting to creep me out. I've told you 20 times already... I'm not Gary Coleman so stop asking me to say Whachu talkin bout Willis , okay?

What do you mean you don't know why it's not working, Daddy? I weight 20 pounds... and you weigh 220 pounds.... What don't you get?

Now this is more like it.

So... you like television? Maybe you've heard of me... I'm Gary Coleman.

And The Holiday Hits Keep Coming!

Monday, 8:42 AM
Captain's Log
Star date: 1-4-11.

The day started off just like any other. Woke up, had my breakfast (bananas and oranges and oatmeal and yogurt) and then picked out another smashing outfit for the day. I've turned into quite the closet horse. I could wear a different outfit everyday for a month and never repeat a single article of clothing. It's crazy. Daddy says that my closet looks like I have at least 3 siblings. What can I say? If you're gonna act like a rock star... you gotta roll like a rock star. In any case, I thought it was time for Mommy and I to retire to the living room where she usually attempts to get a little work done on her computer while I do everything in my power to prevent that very thing from happening. It's a little game I invented called: Nobody gets anything done while I'm awake.

Daddy's officially calling it my Tazmanian Devil Phase. I am now totally up and walking. I am mobile... I am totally free to roam the house at higher rates of speed... I can now get from the living room to the kitchen in 3 seconds and attack your legs with ninja-style karate chops while you are trying to wash dishes, make a sandwich, make a phonecall, drink some water, feed the cat or wash your hands. I strike often and I strike hard. You will not be able to accomplish anything substantial. I will not allow it. Not now. Not yet. But today was different. We didn't go to the living room... instead, we went outside.

Now, normally I'm the first one to suggest a quick trip to the park. I love it, especially now that I'm walking full-time. Did you guys know that the parks in this country have jungle jims and swings that are smaller than normal for the younger kids like me? I'll tell you what... I miss my beloved Colombia, but you guys sure do alot of little things right over here. I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about. I love to climb and crawl and slide and swing and all of that. But we weren't going to the park... Not today. Today, we were going to the weeds.
Allow me to explain... It seems that the holidays are not over quite yet. So far, I've been forced to:
1) Dress as a monkey and then go out onto the streets and beg for candy
2) Travel to Texas to eat way too much turkey and then watch way too much football with my grandfather.
3) Travel to Puerto Rico and meet all 3 million of my new relatives while mounting tractors, horses, cows, lawn mowers, wagons, motorcycles, scooters and one very freaked out goat.
4) Travel to Orlando to Visit Titi Mayra and then get woken up to watch Daddy pop fireworks at midnight.

But apparently all of that isn't enough. There's one last bit of business that we have to attend to called El Dia De Los Santos Reyes Magos... or Three Kings Day for those of you in the hot dogs and apple pie section of the audience.
The legend goes something like this: On January 6th, the 3 Wise Men from the nativity story come to your house and sneak in (otherwise known as breaking and entering). They then make their way into your room while you are sleeping and drop off various valuable goods (otherwise known as fencing stolen property). Now the twist to this little story is that January 6th is also Mommy's birthday. So that means she gets a present too. Yaaaaaay says Daddy. Back to the mall for me! Yaaaaay!

Now the trick is that you have to leave some grass in a box under your bed... why?... so that their camels can have a quick snack before moving on to the next house to deliver more presents. Mommy says that that's how they find you. They follow the scent of the grass. So we had to make extra sure that we got some really good stuff for them.

You know what? I know that this is the part where I usually start mocking the silly holiday tradition that my Mommy and Daddy now have me participating in... but I kinda like this one. I don't know if it's the idea of real live camels in my room or maybe it's sijply because I get to share a special day with Mommy, but I've decided to buy into this one. I know I was a bit rough on old Saint Nick last week, but quite frankly I find it a lot easier to believe that a traveling think tank of 3 wise men and their camels can deliver presents to me in one night a lot better than an elderly man with flying reindeer and obvious labor union issues.

But I digress.

So Mommy, Daddy and I make sure that the box is full of grass and we are now ready for the big day. Will the camels like the grass? Will the 3 wise men be able to find my room? Will Daddy's snoring scare off the camels and the wise men and make them think that we are harboring a pack of wild pigs in the house? All of these being valid and tangible concerns. Either way, we'd have to wait and see.

Wednesday, 7:49 AM
Captain's Log
Star date: 1-6-11

I missed the camels! I tried to stay awake as long as I could... but could not, in the end, hold on. When I woke up, the grass was all gone and there were 2 presents for me under my bed! Nice. Again... I don't mean to be keep beating on the same dead horse but the quality of gift from the 3 wise kings compared to the lightweight stuff that this Santa character brought... I'm just saying.

Mommy got a nice present from Daddy too. She was a little sad though, because he had to go away on a business trip and could not be here for her special day. But that's Okay... She and I spent the entire day together and she said that she wouldn't want to spend her birthday with anybody else... except for maybe Enrique Iglesias... or Rachel Ray... Maybe Ellen.

Daddy would like to offer this photo as official evidence that he participated in the ritual eventhough he considers himself more of a Santa man.

Ha! That was funny Daddy. How you said that there were crocodiles around here that specialize in eating little dark-skinned boys with curly hair.... wait.... what was that noise?

Can I close the box now Mommy?
Not yet.
How about now?
Not yet.
How about now?
Esteban please.
Now?
Esteban...
How about now? Can I close the box now?
ESTEBAN!

33... 12... 19... 24... 9... 82...88... Geez. This would be going a lot faster if I actually knew how to count. Stupid Camels. Why can't they eat rice and beans like the rest of us.

Spending the Holidays with the family... and other forms of child abuse.

When you adopt parents, the first thing that they tell you at the adoption agency is that you'd better be prepared to accept new rituals and traditions... no matter how strange they may seem to be at first. Last week's wierdness... Christmas.

Here's how it works as far as I could figure out. Every December 25th a morbidly obese elderly man flies around the world and delivers presents to all of the little children around the world. He does this by being pulled across the sky by flying reindeer. The presents are all made by an army of loyal elves who work from a list of requests from the children who have earned the right to be categorized as nice and not naughty.

Really?

Alright listen. I'll play along only because it seems to be very important to my Mommy and Daddy that I do. You should have seen them. Thay were running around all week telling me that Santa was coming and that he had many surprises in store for me. But I have several issues with this story.

1) How is he able to deliver toys to all of the children of the world in 12 hours and it takes 3 to 5 working days for the cable guy to come out and fix the TV so I can watch The Backyardigans?

2) Elves, huh? In my country it's called child labor. Call the authorities.

3) He decides who's naughty or nice? That's it... I'm getting a publicist.

4) The North Pole? I'd pick a more centralized location for my manufacturing plant. It would save on delivery time. I recommmend a more tropical climate... like Cali, Colombia, for example... just a suggestion.

So Mommy, Daddy and I all went to Mommy's home in Puerto Rico to celebrate Christmas. I got a lot of presents and it was fun but I still didn;t quite get what all of the fuss was about. Maybe it's because I'm only 18 months old... maybe it's because I go to bed at 7 pm everyday and I missed most of the action on Christmas and New Year's Eve. Either way... what was so great about this holiday season wasn't so much the holiday season as much as it was the fact that I got to meet and spend a lot of time with my family on the island.

It was so awesome that I created a new song called:



THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS... PUERTO RICO STYLE.

Everybody all together now...
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

12 uncles chilling...

11 cows a mooing...

10 tractors moving...

9 horses hoofing...

8 wagons pulling...


7 goats a drooling...

6 cowboys cruising...

5... scooter... grins...

4 pounds of beans...

3 new aunts...

2 new best friends...

And a Colombian in a big tree.

I loved Puerto Rico. The scenery reminded me of Colombia and my family there is huge and loving. I even found out that I'm not the youngest member of my family. My cousin Xavier is. He's very little and Mommy was very proud of me because I was so gentle with him. What was I supposed to do? He's my little cousin.

Esteban Joel, Ninja Farmer thinks over his impending battle with the mango trees.

Okay Frida... here's the plan for the day. I drool and you poop... or we can also do it the other way around. I'm good either way.

So this is our farm, Abuelo? I like it... did you notice how I said our farm?

I'm a cowboy... on a real horse I ride... and I'm wanted... Dead or alive.

Sorry... more of Daddy's Jedi Training. This week: The Bon Jovi era.

It's good to have older cousins like Andreia who know their way around a horse. One day I'll invite her to Colombia and teach her how to ride a motorcycle through the streets and ignore all the traffic signs and lights.

Mommy grew up here... I mean in the house, not on the lawn mower.

I collect exotic cars... plastic mostly with funny sounding horns.

I like Abuelo Papo. He has more toys than I do.

Ok... I don't mean to be critical. But if Daddy's head were any bigger he'd topple over.

What's the old wive's tale? If you open an umbrella indoors... there'll be 6 more weeks of winter?

Titi Grizi wanted to know what my Christmas wish was... I wish she'd stop looking at me like that.

Alright Abuelo Papo... let's go home. I hope I didn't tire you out too much.