Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mami/Papi Training Day 2: Mind Games

Preparing 2 adults for the trials and tribulations of parenthood goes way beyond just making sure that they can feed you at least 3 times a day and putting a fresh set of clothes on your back. You need to make sure that they are phsychologically equiped to handle the stress and pressure that goes along with it.

That's why I decided that it was time to test their sanity. I needed to know if they had the correct mental make up to actually be my parents for the rest of my life. Were they the type of people that were going to fold under pressure? Would they buckle when the going got rough? I had to find out.

Oh sure they seem normal enough on the outside. They're both professionals with stable careers. (if you can call producing spanish-language television shows stable... or even careers for that matter) And based on the amount of time that I've spent making goofy faces into a computer camera this week, I know that at least they aren't a pair of social misfits.

But neither of those things automatically qualified them as fit parents.

The idea to test them came to me while Mommy was giving me my bath. Since I had kept them up most of the entire night before, I decided to throw them a curve ball and sleep through the entire second night... just to see how they would react. Daddy didn't do very well. He kept getting up every hour to touch my stomach to see if I was still breathing. Can you believe that? On his 3rd "check up" I decided to have a little fun with him. As soon as he reached in to touch me I held my breath... when he woke up Mommy in a panic and she came over to my crib, I started snoring.

I know it's cruel but a kid has to be able to have at least a little fun, right? Things got worse for them ten minutes later when the neighbors in the building across the street decided to begin a kareoke contest... on their balcony... that went until 5 AM!


I was able to sleep right through the whole thing but I was heavily sedated with 6 ounces of formula and a half a jar of mashed peaches. Mommy and Daddy weren't so lucky. Apparently, in Colombia, there are no noise ordinance laws. Daddy found out the hard way.

The next day when I took my mid-morning siesta... Mommy joined me. She told me that she would gladly suffer through 100 late-night kareoke parties in a row and lose 10,000 hours of sleep as long as I was comfortable.

Daddy made no such promises. I think he's on the verge of breaking. He was so tired that he was rambling to himself something about reality shows and live award shows being a piece of cake compared to this. So I curled up on his chest and gave him my best "I love you Daddy" puppy dog smile... and he folded like a cheap suit. He pledged eternal loyalty and vowed to do whatever it took to keep me safe.

I have them right where I want them...