Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Bringing Home The Bacon

I have an issue. It isn't so much an issue as much as it is a point of confusion for me. I don't understand exactly what it is that my parents do with themselves all day. All I know is that they leave in the morning and then I don't see them again till the evening. That's over 8 hours of unsupervised freedom. Completely unacceptable. They could be anywhere... doing anything. You know how they are at that age. I know that they go to this place called work but... what does that mean?

I imagine a huge building with a single flashing neon sign that reads: WORK! They come home tired so they must have them doing some kind of strenuous physical activities in there. They also stay late sometimes so it must be at least a little fun... because no one stays extra time at a place where they aren't having a good time, right?

My days are pretty routine from Monday to Friday. We all get up together and have breakfast and then I go off with Mommy to day care while she and Daddy go off to work. Daddy was out of town all last week on a business trip in a place called Las Vegas. He's a part of a huge team that produces a TV show with live music and awards every year. The show was on way past my bedtime so I didn't get to see it but Mommy did and she thought it was good. But she thinks everything that Daddy does is good. She must either really like him... or must really not want to hurt his feelings. It's probably a little bit of both. Daddy came home looking exhausted but I surprised him with my new trick and he forgot all about his aching feet.
I can walk... sort of.

I don't know how or when it happened. One day I was doing my standing up trick and then before I knew what was happening... I lost my balance, leaned forward and started putting one leg in front of another and I walked... sort of. I didn't think too much of it, no bog deal, right? But Mommy and Daddy reacted like I had just discovered gold in the back yard. They immediately put me in front of the computer so I could perform my new little trick for the grandparents in Puerto Rico and Texas... naturally, I refused.


Will these two ever learn? I do the trick mostly in the mornings. That's when I have the most strength in my legs. By 4pm I'm tired and thinking about eating and pooping and my bath time and my bed time. I'm no good at night. I lose all of my equilibrium and stumble around the house knocking over things. Mommy says that I remind her of a bull in a china shop when I do that. Daddy says that I remind him of his Tio Felipe on Saturday nights when I do that. I don't know what he means by that but it sure makes Daddy laugh everytime he says it. By the way Mommy reacted to the joke makes me think that she may have a Tio Felipe or two in her family as well.

So after much consideration I've decided to allow my parents to keep working. I'm still not sure exaclty what goes on in there for 8-10 hours everyday that's so important that they can't hang out with me... but I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. Daddy says that I will soon learn that a man is defined by what he does for a living. He says that he works his butt off everyday so that I can learn, through his example, the importance of making hard work a daily habit. Mommy says that all of that macho talk is fine and good... as long as Daddy doesn't, one day, decide to teach me through his example, the importance of passing gas as a daily habit.

I'm way ahead of the both of them on that trick.

So for now, I think I'll keep on doing what I've been doing. I adopted these guys almost 5 months ago and I've learned that the best way to go about it is to give them prizes a little bit at a time. You don't just get up and show them that you can walk all at once. You gotta milk it a little. First, you show them you can stand up by yourself and they go crazy. Then you show them that you can take a few steps and they lose their minds. Next, I plan to say the words Mommy and Daddy to them. After they come to, I'm sure that they'll call everybody up again so that I can repeat it for everyone in the family... Of course I will refuse and drive them absolutely up the wall. It's all a part of my master plan to destroy their spirits and minds. That's when I'll pull out the big guns. That's when I'll look them in the eyes and say... I love you.

The great Tom Landry said it best: You gotta break 'em all the way down in order to properly build them back up again. That's just how I roll.

I'll keep you posted.