Sunday, September 5, 2010

Grizzly Bears and Hot Sauce

There's a side effect to adoptions that I'm just starting to figure out. Your future friends will be dictated by your parent's current friends. In other words, if your parents have friends that have children anywhere near your age... forget about it. You will be force fed that kid until you either hate him or make him your best buddy. I sense it coming with my Madrina Michele and her very soon daughter to be. Padrino Poncho and Daddy are like brothers and from what I've seen so far in my 2 months in Miami... they tend to hang out together. Which means that, by default, I'll be hanging out a lot with baby Ponchita very soon.

Will she be nice to me? Will she pull my hair? Will she share her toys with me? Will she eat raisins with me?

These are the life and death questions that have been vexing me lately and are keeping me up at night. Because now, the identity of my future best friend has already been decided for me. It's true. Think about it. I'm not in school yet so the only people I get to interact with is controlled completely by Mommy and Daddy. I don't get an opinion, a vote or an argument. I'm supposed to just follow orders and make do with what they give me. Geez... I feel just like Sally Field in her riveting 1983 thriller: Not Without My Daughter!

Sorry... more of Daddy's Jedi-Training. Evidently that was one of Abuela Amparo's favorite movies.

So I think what I'm trying to say is... I'm going to start studying my Padrino and Madrina a little bit closer in order to see what kind of best friend I'm going to have. See if I can spot any early signs of trouble.

Which reminds me of a great story about Padrino Poncho that I overheard this past weekend when they came over and invited us out for a little Mexican Food... Keep in mind two things before I tell this story: 1) Madrina Michele is a professional actor. 2)Padrino Poncho is not.

So it was about 5 years ago when Madrina Michele's agent called her and told her that she was up for an audition for a commercial for a popular cruise line. She said that the pay wasn't so great but that she would get to cruise around Alaska for 10 days of shooting if she got the job. But there was a bonus. They were looking for couples. More specifically, they were looking for real couples. The agent wanted to know if Padrino Poncho would be interested in going to the audition with her and trying out for the commercial.


Daddy's boy took the day off from work and went down to that audition with his wife ready to make cinematic history. They wait 3 hours... and finally get called inside. The director stands them together and asks them to do a little improv. He asks them to stare out from the balcony of their honeymoon suite and tell him exactly what they see. Madrina Michele said that she was watching a sunset over a magnificent glacier with baby seals and sea lions swimming care-free around it. Padrino Poncho suddenly starts screaming that a giant grizzly bear has just dived into the water and has begun mauling the baby seals. "somebody stop him! Somebody do something! Oh the humanity!"

The director, stunned as he may have been, gives them another chance and asks them to describe their romantic suite. Madrina Michele started describing the luxurious comforter on the plush bed and the velvet robes hanging in the closet. Padrino Poncho suddenly offers to get her robe for her and when he opens the imaginary closet door... proceeds to get mauled by the giant grizzly bear who was apparently now hiding in the closet. "He's killing me... He's going for my aorta... Aaaargh!!!!"


They didn't get the part... She eventually forgave him... and he stopped going to auditions. It's that kind of devotion that allowed Madrina Michele to, once again, foolishly trust Padrino Poncho and listen to one of his mother's old wives tales. He said that spicy food makes pregnant women go into labor.

I'll tell you what... I think Madrina Michele is really tired of being pregnant because she took a spoonful of green chile sauce and downed like a pro. I don't think anyone at the table thought that she would really do it... but she did. It's going to sound silly, but it's little things like that that make me feel okay about the whole automatic best friend thing. Because if Padrino Poncho and Madrina Michele are this entertaining... their kid can't be all bad, right?
Check out the look on Padrino Poncho's face. Eat the Chile... my precious.
I hate Mexican food... and the country of Mexico... and the one Mexican I stupidly agreed to marry 8 years ago... and Chiles... and the country of Chile...
OBTW...This is what it looks like when you're told that jalapenos hurt just as much when they exit the body as they do when they enter it. Ahhhh... we live and learn Madrina Michele. We live and learn.