Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Acts of Charity and Lunacy

My evil plan to make my parents lose their will to live via lack of REM sleep has taken a major step backwards. Just when I felt that their backs were against the ropes... just when I could swear I was starting to hear them weep in their bedroom after having to put me down 4 times .

My secret informant, code name: Puerto Rican Granny, has told me that they are about to go on a week-long vacation... but get this... without me.


Oh no they didn't!
Oh yes... they did.

Do you know what this means? 7 whole days of sleeping in as late as they want to. 7whole days of not having to worry about my feeding or napping or pooping schedule. 7whole days where all they have to worry about is making sure that they have enough sunblock and access to the mini-bar. This is not good. This is going to set me back at least 6 months. I have them almost exactly where I want them. They are tired, they are cranky and they are practically at the end of their ropes. They haven't turned on each other yet, but that was the next step. But that's all over now.
They're going to come home after a week of being together without me and they will be rested... recharged... and ready to go again. This is not good. My Abuelita Angie will be taking care of me while my parents are off in some God-Forsaken place called the Mayan Riviera. Don't get me wrong, I love my Abuelita Angie, but my evil powers don't work on her. My parents are one thing... they're feeble-minded and weak. But Abuelita has experience and a self-confidence as a parent that I can't break. No matter what I do... 3AM tantrums, refusing to eat, refusing to poop.... she's been there, done that. She raised 3 kids on a Puerto Rican mountain top before there was internet or DirecTV. Think about that... No on-line kiddy games and puzzles to keep them distracted while she cooked, no kiddy programs like Dora the Explorer or The Goodnight Show... That's pretty hardcore parenting if you ask me. I don't know... maybe I'll prepare for a week and have a nice surprise waiting for Mommy and Daddy when they get back. Poison Ivy or projectile diarrhea... I'll think of something.

A couple of things happened last week that show the extremes of my parent's personalities. It all began with a charity walk-a-thon that my Mommy put together at my favorite place in the whole world... the zoo. We raised a lot of money for the organization that helped me adopt my parents. That's a good thing because I know from experience that there are a lot of kids out there looking to adopt parents just like I did and this charity walk helped them all take one step closer to that goal.

The adoption process is a long, tough and winding road that takes you places that you've never been before emotionally. But here's the hook... by the time you get your parents, you don't remember a single minute of the tough times... only the great moments. These attractive kids that you see to the left are just like me. No, I don't mean short, dark and beautiful... I mean that they were all lucky enough to be able to adopt a good set of parents who will take care of them and love them forever... or at least until they turn 30. That's how long Daddy says I have before I am required by law to take care of him.

Boy... the laws in this country sure are strict.

The other thing that happened last week is something of a tradition in Miami. Mommy and Daddy call it Food Truck Night. Every night of the week a bunch of local food trucks get together and park in different locations all over the city. On Thursdays they all go to the same park in the downtown area... on Mondays they all go to the mall in South Miami... and on tuesdays they all come and park in an empty field right next to our neighborhood.
People bring their picnic blankets and lawn chairs and can select from a large variety of food. Hamburgers, Chinese food, Mexican food, Pizzas and snow cones. depends what your in the mood for. There's even a truck that only makes grilled cheese sandwiches (over 50 varieties). Let me tell you something sports fans... you haven't lived until you've had a grilled cheese sandwich made with mozzarella cheese, bacon bits, chives and grilled onions on toasted sourdough bread. It's good stuff.

We went out last Tuesday with Padrino Poncho, Madrina Michelle and of course my fiancee Gia. Everyone chilled and had a great time. The adults sat around talking while us kids ran around and explored the location. It's a good time and all, but.... I don't get it. What is it about you Americans that makes you want to do things backwards. In Colombia you eat outside only when you have to. Everyone prefers to eat indoors and they do it whenever they can... but not here.

Here in America you guys do everything wrong. You eat outside when you don't have to... you go camping and sleep in tents instead of a hotel... you like to cook hot dogs outside instead of in the kitchen... On hot days you go outside to the beach instead of staying inside where its cool. It's ridiculous. I don't understand how it is that this country is a leading power in the world when everyone is running around acting so goofy. But you know what?...
What the heck. If you can't beat 'em... join 'em.


Step 1: Act casual. Oh hello... I didn't you were here.

Step 2: Initiate contact. Oh.. you have a little dirt on you. Let me take care of that for you.

Step 3: Make your move. C'mere girl.

Why hasn't he called?

Uh... because he can't dail a phone yet... or talk... or control his gas.

Come here Pepe Lepe. Heel Pepe Lepe. Follow me Pepe Lepe...

Okay... stay Pepe Lepe... Good boy.

Esteban Joel... Weenie dog whisperer.

Abuelita Angie Likes the food trucks almost as much as I like her... Almost.

I like my Tio Yared alot. He plays with me a lot and he doesn't mind when I surprise him with my grilled cheese sandwich farts. Wups... that last one was a bonus.

Bet you can't catch me Abuelita...

Bet you can't catch me...

Okay, fine... you caught me. But I was distracted by that guy's ridiculous outfit. Black socks at an outdoor event? Really?

Just look at that face. Can I pick 'em, or what?