Tuesday, June 29, 2010

What Comes Around... Goes Around

I woke up like this. I don't mean handsome and debonaire. I mean I literally woke up already dressed and in my mobile jail cell that the two ingrates I adopted call a stroller.

It seems that I had an early doctor's appointment. And instead of behaving like normal human beings... my parents decided to dress me while I was still snoozing and then take me to the doctor's office before I could protest. I woke up as they were already wheeling me down the hallway of some hospital in my stroller. Can you imagine? And then 3 minutes later... some nurse was sticking a needle in my arm in order to draw some blood.

WHAT? Oh no they didn't! If they want to play dirty like that... I can play that game too. I was going to make this the longest day of their parenting lives. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WOULD MAKE THEM SUFFER...But first, a funny story.
Daddy and I were having breakfast out back, behind the hospital while Mommy was inside getting some of my new medicine when a couple of grandmother types approached us.

What's his name?
He's so cute.
How old is he?
You know... the standard stuff that good looking studs like me always have to put up with.

So Daddy starts filling them in on all my vital statistics when one of them says: "And where did he get that gorgeous skin tone? He almost looks black." At that point Mommy walks out of the hospital to join us and the woman's friend slaps her on the arm and says under her breath: "Isn't it obvious? Here comes the mother."

Good stuff.

But back to my evil plan. Understand one thing; Mommy and Daddy have learned to exist around my naps. I take a 1 hour nap everyday at 10 AM and then another one at around 4 PM. Then I go to bed between 7 and 8 PM... only to wake up for a feeding at around 4 AM. Do the math. That leaves them around 4 hours a day to do all of those mundane things that they used to do before I changed their lives for the better. Things like going to the bathroom, eating, washing their hair (Mommy only, of course), talking to each other... you know, insignificant grownup stuff like that.

So today... in retaliation for their little early-morning hospital ambush I decided... no napping. I refused to go to sleep at 10 Am and I refused to go to sleep at 4 PM. And when I don't sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky... It can get pretty ugly my friends.

It was one 12-hour long marathon of tears, wimpers and begging.... and that was just from Daddy. They'd put me in my bed, I'd scream till they got me out. They'd put me on the floor, I'd scream till they picked me up. They'd put me in my stroller to feed me, I'd spit it all out. Tried to distract me with the TV... not a chance. Tried to calm me down with some warm milk?... nice try. I owned them. It was beautiful.

By 5 PM they were ready to start calling their friends who have kids for advice. Daddy wanted to call his sister Sandy the Compound Pharmacist so she could reccomend a strong sedative.... not for me, for him. Mommy wanted to call her mommy for advice. But pride and common sense stepped in. They decided to try and outlast me. "How tough could it be?" they wondered out loud to each other. He's only 11 months old!

6 o'clock came and went... I was still awake.
7 o'clock... I started attacking the computer and phone wires.
8 o'clock... I began climbing furniture, risking life and limb in the process.

Daddy was ready to break. He was getting a weird look in his eye that Mommy says he gets after 2 months of working on his reality show. I was going to outlast them! I was going to win! Who's the man? I'm the man! I was drunk with power. I was on top of the world. I was... I was... Um.......
Done. Oh well... I think I made my point. Don't poke the bear people... Don't ever poke the bear.