Friday, August 6, 2010

School's Out

My master plan to drive my Daddy insane has been temporarily derailed by the arrival of my arch-nemesis... my grandmother.

She's experienced...

She's patient...

She's unflappable...

She's given Daddy a chance to rest and re-charge his batteries. I had him on the brink of a meltdown and she saved him. I'm no challenge to her. She raised 3 kids on a mountain in Puerto Rico before the invention of Ask Google or Web MD.

Abuelita has a special power that renders all of my evil powers useless.

She calls it love.

When she's around, I get so much attention that I don't have the strength or energy to torture Daddy. Even if I were to try, she'd just swoop in and difuse the situation.

And then you add in the involvement of these two degenerates and before you know it, you have a full-blown posse of comadres dropping in like the 101st Airborn Division and rescue Daddy.

It's okay. I'll lie and wait. They can't visit forever. He'll be alone again soon... that's when I'll strike.

I've been throwing nap curveballs at them all week. Some days I don't nap at all and go to bed by 7 pm and other days I take two really good naps and don't even consider going down until 9 or even 10 o'clock at night. Those were the nights when I would often hear Daddy weeping through the walls when we were alone. But not anymore... thanks to the family.

Regardless... having visitors in the house is cool. They're all full of energy and are always smiling and laughing with me. Kinda like what Mommy and Daddy were like at the beginning. All bright-eyed and full of life. Just a couple of crazy kids in love... they had their whole futures ahead of them and now... their futures belong to me.
A stick up? What do you mean put my hands up? Oh my gosh I'm getting mugged. Ok... stay calm. You want my wallet and car keys? I don't have a wallet... wait that's not a mugger. That's Daddy... wait, that's not a gun... it's a Snicker's Bar.
Stupid cat. If I was 3 inches taller you'd be in the dishwasher already.
Look, Abuelita... I'm not saying that anybody is better than anybody else... All I'm saying is that historically speaking the Colombians have contributed much more to society than the Puerto Ricans have, that's all.
Okay Abuelita... I see I've offended you. I'll make it all better with some impressions. Ready? Arrrg, matie! Got a bit of the scurvy, do ya? That was a pirate... no?
Okay... how bout this? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! You want me on that wall... you need me on that wall! You're darn right I ordered that code red! Nothing?... Not a Nicholson fan, huh?
Okay... last one. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding and you ask me to perform a service for you... If I do this, a day may come when I will come to you and ask you to return the favor. And on that day, I know that you will not dissapoint me. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse..
Sniff...I'm okay. It's just that I consider myself an artist and for you to not recognize any of my impressions... It's a bit of a reality check, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to miss you too Nicole... It's all I can think about, really... ok? Now gently put me down on the floor so I can squash that cat.
This is my favorite game. I call it: Abuelita thinks I'm smiling... but I'm really pooping!