Monday, July 26, 2010

Tales From the Dark Side

Something funny happened the other day. I wasn't sure if I was going to share this story or not because... well, because it's disgusting. But then I decided that the story was funnier than it was disgusting (barely)... so here it goes.

Mommy had to go to work that day so it was just Daddy and I hanging at home. I like it when it's just Daddy and I. He's so new at this whole parenting thing that he goes above and beyond to entertain me. We always take field trips. Sometimes we go to the mall, sometimes we go to the park... One time we went to K-Mart to look at the wierd people. I hope he realizes soon that I'm only 12 months old. He could twirl a sock in front of my face for a couple of seconds and I'd think it was awesome... but for now, we'll continue with the outings.

So Mommy got me up and dressed and then when she left for work, Daddy took over. He promised me that we were going to the park so I got myself all pumped up to go outside. Then something caught Daddy's attention on the internet. I waited 5, then 10 , then 15 minutes... and still nothing.

Well... I'm sure I don't have to remind you fine people that making a 12-month old wait for something that he really wants to do is NEVER a good idea. But Mr. First Time Daddy over here never learned that lesson. So I decided that it was time that he did.

The first thing I did was to crawl over into the no-no zone. The no-no zone is a restricted area of the downstairs part of the house where I am never allowed to crawl around. Why? because it's the area where the TV, the computers and the X-Box video game system is (on a side note I think it's so cute how Daddy still thinks he's going to have the time or the energy to actually play video games now that I'm here. Isn't he adorable?).
So I reach up and grab one of the cables that leads up to the TV and he says, without looking at me, "No, Esteban."

I reach up and grab another cable... now he's looking right at me. Esteban... NO!

Naturally, I reach up and grab a third cable. Esteban... now he's standing up and coming towards me. I release all three cables and he sits back down at the computer and goes back to his stupid sports story. Well... that just won't do.

I reach up, grab all three cables and begin yanking and pulling on them as hard as I can. ESTEBAN! He yells and stands at the same time... I release... he sits back down at the computer. I reach for the cables again... and he's standing again. That's when I realized... these cables were like a Daddy Remote Control. I can manipulate him like a puppet just by pulling on these cables. the more I pulled, the more he stood, until eventually he gave in and we went to the park.

Now whenever I want to go upstairs or outside or even to the kitchen... all I have to do is reach for my Daddy remote. A couple of yanks on those cables and he's swooping in to take me anywhere I want. Good to know.

But here comes the disgusting part. Apparently, while I was yanking and pulling on those cables I pooped myself... but this was no ordinary poop. Somehow I managed to get the poop all the way up my back and down my legs... and Daddy didn't notice.

He picks me up and takes me into the kitchen... he shifts me to his other arm and takes me into the garage... he puts me on his knee as he kneels to clean the cat's litter box... and that's when he notices it. He just stares at his hand like if it was an alien claw or something like that. He smells it... confirmed! He runs inside to the downstairs bathroom and checks himself in the mirror. There's poop on his shirt, on his pants, on his shoes, on his cell phone, on his watch and even on his ear. His reaction? Did you guys ever see that scene in The Godfather when the old guy wakes up and finds a horse's head in his bed with him? Ahhh! Arghhh! What the #@*%*!!!!

Yes, I am quite aware that it is 8:39 PM and I repeat... I am not sleepy.
Let go of my face... let go of my car... Let go of my face, first and then I'll let go of your car... How do I know that you'll keep your word? What if I let go of your face and then you don't let go of my car? What happens then, Mother?... LET GO OF MY FACE!!!!
Yes Abuelita Angie I can see that you are in Puerto Rico and I am in Miami and through the miracle of technology we can all be together for this tender moment bla bla bla.... can I just have my milk in peace please?... Oh great. Now here comes this one with the camera again.
Out to dinner with the folks. No teeth? No problem. I can eat plantaine.
I can eat tomato...
Mommy's funny.
Especially when you're a year old.
Ok fun's over. No car seat! Nooooooooooo!
I will now activate my stiff man defense against the car seat.
You can overpower me and force me to sit here but I will never accept it... I SHALL WAGE WAR AGAINST THE CAR SEAT!!!!
... tommorrow... maybe.