Spending the Holidays with the family... and other forms of child abuse.

When you adopt parents, the first thing that they tell you at the adoption agency is that you'd better be prepared to accept new rituals and traditions... no matter how strange they may seem to be at first. Last week's wierdness... Christmas.

Here's how it works as far as I could figure out. Every December 25th a morbidly obese elderly man flies around the world and delivers presents to all of the little children around the world. He does this by being pulled across the sky by flying reindeer. The presents are all made by an army of loyal elves who work from a list of requests from the children who have earned the right to be categorized as nice and not naughty.

Really?

Alright listen. I'll play along only because it seems to be very important to my Mommy and Daddy that I do. You should have seen them. Thay were running around all week telling me that Santa was coming and that he had many surprises in store for me. But I have several issues with this story.

1) How is he able to deliver toys to all of the children of the world in 12 hours and it takes 3 to 5 working days for the cable guy to come out and fix the TV so I can watch The Backyardigans?

2) Elves, huh? In my country it's called child labor. Call the authorities.

3) He decides who's naughty or nice? That's it... I'm getting a publicist.

4) The North Pole? I'd pick a more centralized location for my manufacturing plant. It would save on delivery time. I recommmend a more tropical climate... like Cali, Colombia, for example... just a suggestion.

So Mommy, Daddy and I all went to Mommy's home in Puerto Rico to celebrate Christmas. I got a lot of presents and it was fun but I still didn;t quite get what all of the fuss was about. Maybe it's because I'm only 18 months old... maybe it's because I go to bed at 7 pm everyday and I missed most of the action on Christmas and New Year's Eve. Either way... what was so great about this holiday season wasn't so much the holiday season as much as it was the fact that I got to meet and spend a lot of time with my family on the island.

It was so awesome that I created a new song called:



THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS... PUERTO RICO STYLE.

Everybody all together now...
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

12 uncles chilling...

11 cows a mooing...

10 tractors moving...

9 horses hoofing...

8 wagons pulling...


7 goats a drooling...

6 cowboys cruising...

5... scooter... grins...

4 pounds of beans...

3 new aunts...

2 new best friends...

And a Colombian in a big tree.

I loved Puerto Rico. The scenery reminded me of Colombia and my family there is huge and loving. I even found out that I'm not the youngest member of my family. My cousin Xavier is. He's very little and Mommy was very proud of me because I was so gentle with him. What was I supposed to do? He's my little cousin.

Esteban Joel, Ninja Farmer thinks over his impending battle with the mango trees.

Okay Frida... here's the plan for the day. I drool and you poop... or we can also do it the other way around. I'm good either way.

So this is our farm, Abuelo? I like it... did you notice how I said our farm?

I'm a cowboy... on a real horse I ride... and I'm wanted... Dead or alive.

Sorry... more of Daddy's Jedi Training. This week: The Bon Jovi era.

It's good to have older cousins like Andreia who know their way around a horse. One day I'll invite her to Colombia and teach her how to ride a motorcycle through the streets and ignore all the traffic signs and lights.

Mommy grew up here... I mean in the house, not on the lawn mower.

I collect exotic cars... plastic mostly with funny sounding horns.

I like Abuelo Papo. He has more toys than I do.

Ok... I don't mean to be critical. But if Daddy's head were any bigger he'd topple over.

What's the old wive's tale? If you open an umbrella indoors... there'll be 6 more weeks of winter?

Titi Grizi wanted to know what my Christmas wish was... I wish she'd stop looking at me like that.

Alright Abuelo Papo... let's go home. I hope I didn't tire you out too much.

Hats Off Everyone!

When you adopt a set of parents, you have to be ready for curve balls. Not everything will go according to plan or according to your previous routine. They are already fully formed and mature adults and their personalities are already set. You can't change them or expect them to behave a certain way just because it would be more convenient for you. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and accept that they are going to have their little schemes and secrets. For example: There's been more private meetings and hushed conversations between my adopted parents this week. They've been excited all week long about something... but what?

The first clue came when it came time for my 2 week check up with the specialists at Cranial Tech. Those are the people who made the helmet that I've been wearing for the last 4 months. Usually I go for my check up with either Mommy or Daddy... But this time, the both of them came along.

Daddy took the morning off from work and was in a great mood while we sat in the waiting room. He's usually stressed out and punching buttons on his cell phone trying to answer emails before going into work whenever we're here... but not today. Today he's all smiles and kisses.

Mommy was also in a great mood. She was on her phone calling her Mommy in Puerto Rico. That was another clue. Mommy always calls Abuelita Angie first whenever she has big news to tell. Well, I wish someone would tell me the big news.

The last clue came when the nurse took me into the 3-D imaging room in order to take 360 degree photos of my head. They haven't done that since the first day I came here. Why would they do that again?
So I sit still for the pictures and wait as patiently as I can (about 42 seconds) before I start getting anxious. I needed to know what was going on and I needed to know right now.

And then it happened...

They took my helmet off for good! It's true. The specialists said that my head had re-shaped itself (thanks to constantly wearing my helmet for the last 4 months) and that I no longer had those uneven lumps on my crown and forehead. My head looks completely normal now and I am free from having to wear that helmet ever again!

In celebration of that fact, it is now time to play a little game called:

THE TOP 5 STUPIDEST THINGS THAT STRANGERS SAID TO MY PARENTS WHILE WE WERE OUT IN PUBLIC WHILE I WAS WEARING MY HELMET.

Number 5: Is he retarded?
Daddy's Response: No, but you obviously are. How's that front row parking working out for you?

Number 4: Woah! What's wrong with his head?
Daddy's Response: Nothing. He has to wear the helmet because everytime he runs across a moron he bangs his head on the floor in disgust... You see? There he goes again.

Number 3: Does he attend a special school?
Daddy's Response: Why? Are you out recruiting for your alma mater?

Number 2: Oh my God... What's that thing on top of his head?
Daddy's Response: Oh my God... What's that thing on top of your neck?

Number 1: (to her 10 year old child while pointing at me) You see? That's what happens to you when you mis-behave.
Daddy's Response: (to me while pointing at the lady) You see? That's what happens to you when your parents are related.

You like this look? It's called hair gel... I had to describe the feeling to Daddy.

Mommy and I have a lot in common. We're both beautiful... we have great hair... and we don't wear helmets.

So... thanks for that whole fixing my head thing. However... now that my helmet is off I think it's time that we start seeing other people.

Yes, yes, yes Father. I love you too.

Geez... They can be so embarrassing at this age.

How does this go? Doe Rae me fart sol la pee doe.

Sigh... again? I SUCK MY THUMB... I GET IT!

Goodbye old friend... I won't miss you, but I thank you.

Random Shots and Thoughts

Breaker, Breaker... come in Bandit.... this is The Snow Man... 10-4 good buddy.

Sorry... More of Daddy's Jedi Training. This week: Smokey and the Bandit.

I'm a 2-fisted eater. I distract you with the fork... and then I zoom in with my hand and feed myself. I'm like a ninja. A Chicken Pot Pie Ninja.

What? No I do not have any money to pay for this. This is very embarrassing... I've never had to pay for my meals before. What? No I do not think that you are running a soup kitchen... I'm not sure I even know what that is. No! Please do not call the authorities... Yes, I suppose I could wash dishes to pay you back...

Wait... that's not a waiter... that's Daddy.... wait that's not a menu... that's the stupid cat.

Mommy said that I was not allowed to get up from the table until I could see the bottom of the bowl. Uh... ok... I'm there... and I see nothing. Did I do this right?

Ok... we have 7 bannana puffs left, so... 2 for you and 5 for me. That's about even, right?

Esteban Joel, Rocket Robot Boy swoops in for a closer look at Mommy.

So... sore throats must suck for you, am I right?

I have no lettuce in my pocket... I promise.

You are over 100 years old? Really? That's almost as old as Daddy.

Mommy, you go ahead and look at the monkeys... I'll be here.

Food For Thought

Great News! I can now feed myself... sort of.

It all started about 3 weeks ago when I accidentally stuck a spoonful of yogurt in my mouth. I say accidentally because wehat I was trying to do was swing the yogurt over my head and then fling it at Daddy's flat screen TV. But I missed... and the spoonful of yogurt ended up where it was supposed to be... my mouth. Go figure.

After that first mouthful, I got cocky and decided that I wanted to spoon the rest of the yogurt myself. It was such a huge rush of independence that I now insist on feeding myself at every moment possible. Don't get me wrong... I'm not exactly a newbie at all of this. I was already hand-feeding myself for the last 8 weeks or so. You know... Cheerios, goldfish (my absolute favorite)and even beans. But now I've learned the thrill of using a fork and a spoon and I'm hooked!
It's such a power rush. Having the ability to feed myself is a huge step for me. I'm already almost walking and talking... now I'm almost feeding myself. Once I learn to go potty in the bathroom like the rest of you out there then I'll be ready to take over this household. I've had enough of this monarchy system of government that I'm living under and I've figured out why I'm being opressed.

It's because I'm 100% dependent on them. I need them for every single thing that I do. They feed me, they bathe me, they change my diapers and they feed me. This happens everyday without fail. It's a well-known fact that has been proven over and over again throughout history. When a government is dealing with a population that is overly dependent on them or incapable of fending for themselves... it quickly becomes a communist government.
Oh sure... I get everything I need, I'm taken care of... but I'm not free. I can't come and go as I please, I never go hungry, but I don't get to choose what I eat. I get to go out... but never too far and only where it's allowed.

Learning to feed myself will lead to other things. Dressing myself, being able to tell Mommy and Daddy what I like and don't like to eat. Soon I'll be able to show them that I can fend for myself and that I'm not this defenseless little kid that they see me as. However I still reserve the right to crawl into bed with them in the mornings and cuddle for a little while before we get up to start our day.

Mommy and I went to the zoo the other day. She surprised me after breakfast and we just went for it.

I have to confess something. Mommy has been home with me for 1 whole week since her TV show ended it's 13 week run and I could not be happier. Day care was fine and Daddy did the best he could during the weekends when Mommy was working... but now I'm starting to see what this whole Maternal Instinct thing is all about.

She's a natural. She's patient and loving and I'm learning a lot of things like where my ears, nose and eyes are... and how to say the cat's name (apparently she goes by the name: Lola)

Mommy's the best and she's promised to stay home with me from now on so it's only going to get better. I can see why Daddy likes her so much.

Here's a recount of the last week.

Ok... act casual. Is that giraffe lookiong at us? Be cool.

Well hello Mr. strange animal with a long neck. I'm not scared... I promise you, I'm not scared.

Still not scared...

Okay... A little scared.

Nice purple tongue... still not scared.

Giraffes rock!

Back to Basics

Major changes, yet again, out on the home front. And may I just add one thing before we get into the specifics... once again a major decision was made behind closed doors and no one thought to include me in any of the meetings. I'd complain if it weren't for two things:

1) I wouldn't want to appear as ungratefull or bitter to upper management.
2) I can't actually talk yet.

Look, all I'm saying is that I'm starting to get the ugly feeling that this whole having parents thing is going to be more of a dictatorship than the 50-50 partnership that I was promised when I signed the papers. Maybe they'll start allowing me a little more say-so once I'm older but as of right now, they run the show.

But I digress... The major change is that after 3 months, my uncle and aunt have left the house and gone back home to a place called Puerto Rico. We went from a family of 5 to a family of 3... just like that. This is the first time that I am completely alone with my Mommy and Daddy since our time in Colombia. First my aunt Sandy came to visit then my Abuelita Angie came for a long visit and then Yared and Grizi showed up and stayed for a 3 month visit.

It was awesome. I like my Tio Yaro. He plays rough with me and then pretends to be all kinds of different wild animals and chases me around the house on his hands and knees. But the TV show that everybody was working on ended it's 13 week run and everyone can now go back to their normal lives as Mommy likes to say.
I'm not sad because I'm going to see them again really soon when I go to Puerto Rico for some sort of a formal function called The Holidays. I'm going to Mommy's island for the very first time and she couldn't be more excited. Mommy says that Puerto Rico is called the Island of Enchantment by the locals because the island is so beautiful that it makes you fall in love with whoever you happen to be standing next to. Daddy says that they have the same thing in Mexico... only over there it's called tequila.

Before Yaro and Grizi left, we all went to visit Titi Mayra in Orlando. She's Mommy's aunt and I always have a lot of fun with her. She's silly and loud and funny and loud. Daddy was away on a business trip so it was just the 4 of us on a 4 hour car trip. It wasn't too bad. Tio Yaro was making me laugh the whole way and Mommy packed some really great snacks for the trip.

I've learned a couple of new things that I'm pretty proud of.

Are you ready? Here goes... I learned how to knock.

I'm really good at it. I can do it on doors, on windows, on floors, on tables, on chairs, on walls and on my helmet. Daddy was especially excited with my new trick because he says that if I am old enough to knock... then I'm old enough for knock knock jokes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Impatient Cow
Impatient Cow wh...
MOO!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
KGB
KGB who?
(slap the other person really hard in the face)
Ve'll ask ze questions around here!

The other thing that I've learned to do is sush crying babies. If I'm out in public with my Mommy and Daddy and there is a crying baby nearby I will put a finger up to my mouth and then go Shhh! as loud as I can. No one knows where I learned it and I'm not telling... literally.
Funny story with the sushing; We were at the mall the other day and I sushed a little annoying, loud-mouth kid that was sitting nearby with his family. When cry baby's Daddy stood up to see who was sushing his kid... he must have been 7 feet tall. My Daddy was certain that the other Daddy thought that he had been the one that had just sushed his kid. My Daddy panicks. What's a brand new father to do? Do you take the fall for your kid? Do you risk life and limb and take the blame for something that your child did?

Uh... no.

Are you sushing the baby? my Daddy says to me in an extra loud voice. You're such a little man... where did you learn that? Do it again... sush the large man's baby... do it again... please! In the name of all that is holy... sush the large,angry man's baby again!

Naturally... I refused. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. I'm an artist! Not a performing monkey.

And if any of you out there have a problem with that, you can take it up with my Mommy an Daddy... But not now... I'm in a meeting.

Shhhhhhh...

This picture is the perfect example of what happens when you put a football game on a TV set anywhere near my Grandfather.

My Daddy has the same exact illness.

This is a leftover picture of Mommy from Halloween. Wait... She's wearing my hair!

Alright Aunt Sandy if you say I'm not allowed to pick my nose... Then I'll pick yours!

Aha! How do you like that? How does that make you feel?

Hmm... maybe I should have thought this through a little more. This is a little gross.

Ok... take it easy. All I asked was who farted?

I'm not one to judge... believe me.

Esteban Joel, Boy Robot lies patiently, pretending to be asleep, in order to lure his prey ever closer. Once they are in range... he will strike.

KILLER ROBOTS DON'T TAKE NAPS!

Performing Death-Defying Stunts For My Family's Enjoyment

What the heck are you looking at? Actually... I take that back. Forget what I said before. I want you to look. Take a good long look. I want you to study the image that you see on the left because it is about to change dramatically. In exactly 2 weeks my entire look will change. My life and my head will never be the same again. That's right sports fans... My helmet is coming off. Can you dig it? The Doctor said that my head was finally ready for action. Whatever imperfection that was there before has apparentley been corrected and I am ready to move forward with my life... and my head. I miss my Aunt Sandy. She fusses over me like nobody else. She's all kissy kissy mushy all day every day. Normally, that kind of stuff doesn't work on me. But Aunt Sandy has this strange power over me. She starts with the kisses and the baby talk and I get all goo goo ga ga on her. It's a little embarrassing... for the both of us. Daddy calls it the Amparo Curse. The curse doesn't allow you to be within 5 feet of a toddler without becoming a blubbering idiot gushing out strange sounds and making ridiculous faces. Aunt Sandy is teeming with the curse. Both she and Daddy agree that she is slowly becoming their mother. Both she and Daddy also agree that they are not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.



These Videos are further proof of my impressive strength and bravery.


Daddy says that once my helmet comes off we might have to take it a little easy on the stunts because I won't have that extra layer of protection anymore. I'm going to have to remind him that I don't have an easy gear. At least, not yet.

Sigh...

Breaking in new parents is never easy.