It's All Relative

One of the most important steps in the adoption journey is the bonding stage. This is the process by which the parent and child will slowly create that unbreakable relationship that will, hopefully, last a lifetime.

The textbooks say that this process can last as much as a whole year to fully establish... I don't know about you people, but I don't have that kind of time.

I need to know right now... are these people really the ones? Are they going to be my parents for the rest of my life? Will they stick with me through thick and thin? Will they embarrass me when I become a teenager?

Well, there's only one way to find out... I had to meet some of the extended family. I figure if the family is full of weirdos I should know about it right away. Daddy's family is far away in Texas but Mommy has some family that lives right here in Florida. So we set off on a little journey to meet them. I had to see for myself what kind of situation I was getting myself into.

So it's time for the part of our show that we like to call:

RANDOM PEOPLE THAT I AM NOW RELATED TO
Hello aunt Janet. I was hoping you could direct me to the nearest bathroom because I really need to... Oh hello kissy kissy Lady. Oooooh kissy kissy feels nice...
Wups... Don't look at me lady. I warned you that I had to go the bathroom.
These are my new cousins. Carlitos... Tatiana... and Bella. Listen... I don't know what rules you people follow around here, but I'm used to being the cutest kid in the room and... I'm just not feeling it today. I don't know where you found these child models to make me feel self conscious but I don't appreciate it, and I hate them all!
What's that you say? You think I'm the cutest thing you've ever seen? Well... what a coincidence. I was just saying the same thing about you guys. Wheeee! I love my cousins!
Let's dance everybody. Nice Robot Bella... I call this move The Colombian Superman.
She looks harmless, right? The sad truth is that aunt June, here is actually a professional con-artist that is wanted by the FBI in the United States and Los Federales in Mexico. 3 minutes after this picture was taken I noticed that my wallet and two pairs of my socks were missing.
This is Titi Lydia. When we got there Daddy noticed that she had lost a little weight recently and he mentioned to her that she was looking pretty good. She then informed Daddy that she was starting a college fund for me. Daddy immediately told her that she was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen... including his mother.
Woah, woah, woah... wait a second. Are you telling me that they have cakes in this country... made of ice cream? God Bless America!
Why is everybody looking at me? What's that song that they're singing? I feel pressured... WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?
Now what? I'm supposed to blow out the candle? What if I don't want to? What if I prefer the candle lit? What if I prefer my desserts on fire when I eat them? Oh, never mind... you guys already spit all over my cake.
I got presents... I got cake... I got a lot of attention... yep, I think we're bonding all right.

Tales From the Dark Side

Something funny happened the other day. I wasn't sure if I was going to share this story or not because... well, because it's disgusting. But then I decided that the story was funnier than it was disgusting (barely)... so here it goes.

Mommy had to go to work that day so it was just Daddy and I hanging at home. I like it when it's just Daddy and I. He's so new at this whole parenting thing that he goes above and beyond to entertain me. We always take field trips. Sometimes we go to the mall, sometimes we go to the park... One time we went to K-Mart to look at the wierd people. I hope he realizes soon that I'm only 12 months old. He could twirl a sock in front of my face for a couple of seconds and I'd think it was awesome... but for now, we'll continue with the outings.

So Mommy got me up and dressed and then when she left for work, Daddy took over. He promised me that we were going to the park so I got myself all pumped up to go outside. Then something caught Daddy's attention on the internet. I waited 5, then 10 , then 15 minutes... and still nothing.

Well... I'm sure I don't have to remind you fine people that making a 12-month old wait for something that he really wants to do is NEVER a good idea. But Mr. First Time Daddy over here never learned that lesson. So I decided that it was time that he did.

The first thing I did was to crawl over into the no-no zone. The no-no zone is a restricted area of the downstairs part of the house where I am never allowed to crawl around. Why? because it's the area where the TV, the computers and the X-Box video game system is (on a side note I think it's so cute how Daddy still thinks he's going to have the time or the energy to actually play video games now that I'm here. Isn't he adorable?).
So I reach up and grab one of the cables that leads up to the TV and he says, without looking at me, "No, Esteban."

I reach up and grab another cable... now he's looking right at me. Esteban... NO!

Naturally, I reach up and grab a third cable. Esteban... now he's standing up and coming towards me. I release all three cables and he sits back down at the computer and goes back to his stupid sports story. Well... that just won't do.

I reach up, grab all three cables and begin yanking and pulling on them as hard as I can. ESTEBAN! He yells and stands at the same time... I release... he sits back down at the computer. I reach for the cables again... and he's standing again. That's when I realized... these cables were like a Daddy Remote Control. I can manipulate him like a puppet just by pulling on these cables. the more I pulled, the more he stood, until eventually he gave in and we went to the park.

Now whenever I want to go upstairs or outside or even to the kitchen... all I have to do is reach for my Daddy remote. A couple of yanks on those cables and he's swooping in to take me anywhere I want. Good to know.

But here comes the disgusting part. Apparently, while I was yanking and pulling on those cables I pooped myself... but this was no ordinary poop. Somehow I managed to get the poop all the way up my back and down my legs... and Daddy didn't notice.

He picks me up and takes me into the kitchen... he shifts me to his other arm and takes me into the garage... he puts me on his knee as he kneels to clean the cat's litter box... and that's when he notices it. He just stares at his hand like if it was an alien claw or something like that. He smells it... confirmed! He runs inside to the downstairs bathroom and checks himself in the mirror. There's poop on his shirt, on his pants, on his shoes, on his cell phone, on his watch and even on his ear. His reaction? Did you guys ever see that scene in The Godfather when the old guy wakes up and finds a horse's head in his bed with him? Ahhh! Arghhh! What the #@*%*!!!!

Priceless.
Yes, I am quite aware that it is 8:39 PM and I repeat... I am not sleepy.
Let go of my face... let go of my car... Let go of my face, first and then I'll let go of your car... How do I know that you'll keep your word? What if I let go of your face and then you don't let go of my car? What happens then, Mother?... LET GO OF MY FACE!!!!
Yes Abuelita Angie I can see that you are in Puerto Rico and I am in Miami and through the miracle of technology we can all be together for this tender moment bla bla bla.... can I just have my milk in peace please?... Oh great. Now here comes this one with the camera again.
Out to dinner with the folks. No teeth? No problem. I can eat plantaine.
I can eat tomato...
Mommy's funny.
Especially when you're a year old.
Ok fun's over. No car seat! Nooooooooooo!
I HATE THIS FREAKIN CAR SEAT!!!!
I will now activate my stiff man defense against the car seat.
You can overpower me and force me to sit here but I will never accept it... I SHALL WAGE WAR AGAINST THE CAR SEAT!!!!
... tommorrow... maybe.

And now... Your Weekend Update.

I decided that if I was now going to actually be living in the United States with my new adopted parents, I would be well served to try to assimilate to the American way of life as much as possible. I had to study them... so I could become them.

So I rolled to the mall.
So I'm cruising the place, you know, doing up the whole goo goo ga ga schtick... when suddenly I hear a very loud lady screaming from behind me.
That's no lady! That's Tia Lovey and her kids kidnapping me.
Mathias is president of the Miami chapter of the Young Republicans Club.
And Mia is not camera shy at all.
Easy does it kids... I'm used to my Daddy's pace. Try and see if you can walk like an exhausted 41 year old man that's in way over his head.
It was a total lucky fluke running into the Lovey clan. They were doing a little shopping and then Mathias had a little business to take care of involving a serving of chocolate yogurt with some gummy bears. I know I just met this kid but I gotta tell you... I like his style.
Look Clown... stop following me and stop offering me balloon animals. I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not from here and you're starting to creep me out.
Women dig me becsause I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something outrageous.
Look cat. Just so you know. I run this territory now. If you want to continue to hang around in this area you will have to pay. My price is a peach juice box a day. Got it?
Oh hi Mommy! I didn't see you standing there. I was just petting Lola. Isn't she beautiful?
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Did you see the tail? Not everyone can pull off this look.
Good Morning! Does this hurt?
It was one of those weekends.

Happy Anniversary To Me!

Hey... Can you keep a secret? Yesterday marked my one month anniversary with my new adopted parents. I didn't make a big deal about it because I don't want to distract them from the task at hand. They have enough things to worry about... believe me.

It's been a strange, yet fulfilling journey so far. I've learned a little bit about them but a whole lot more about myself. My true personality is starting to come through. I'm beginning to act like a normal 1 year old kid at home with his parents, instead of some visiting stranger that's always on his best behavior. What I'm saying is that the gloves are off now baby and these two rookies are getting a full dose of the real me. 100% Esteban with no added preservatives.

My tantrums come quick and they come hard. They come without warning and without mercy. They last as long as they need to. Sometimes it's a quick flash that lasts only 30 seconds and sometimes they can go for an agonizing 15 minutes.

It really depends who I'm dealing with. Mommy has more experience and she knows that there is no reasoning or bargaining with a 12 month old. She's quick to swoop me up into her arms and then proceeds to sweet talk me back into a state of goo-goo-ga-ga bliss. Daddy... on the other hand... prefers to test my limits. Call it inexperience, call it machismo... whatever. He sits there with me on the floor while I'm screaming my head off and refuses to give in to me. He just stares at me and tries to wait me out. When Mommy asks him exactly what he is trying to accomplish, he tells her "Jedi Mind Trick".
That isn't the only difference that I've noticed between them. Take feeding time, for example. Mommy talks to me the whole time when she does it. She asks me if I like it, if I'm full, if I love her. Daddy prefers to play music. He says it's important that I learn what really good music is before I get brainwashed by my friends at school. He plays mostly Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Eagles. My faves from Zepellin are when the levee breaks, Babe I'm gonna leave you and ramble on. Wish you were here is, by far, the best Pink Floyd album ever and you can't go wrong with Eagles greatest hits albums 1 and 2.

Mommy is a natural at putting me to sleep. She gives me my bottle while simultaneously rocking me into a coma. Daddy prefers to use a wide variety of artificial stimulation. Swing chairs, strollers... he's even been known to put me in the car and drive me around a little bit in that stupid child safety seat. I swear that man has no shame... and no game.

Individually, these two couldn't be more different. But as a unit they work pretty well together. All in all I feel like I did pretty good with this adoption. Let me tell you, I could have ended up with a lot worse. I know a kid who didn't read the fine print on his contract and ended up adopting a 2 mile stretch of the Santa Monica Freeway (insert drum riff and cymbal crash here). Thank you very much folks... I'll be here all week.

ANATOMY OF A TANTRUM
Good morning parental unit... what's that you say? You wish for me to bathe my body?
Hmm... I don't think that I am in complete agreement with that notion.
So I believe I will demonstrate my displeasure by crying and screaming loudly... right in your face!
Take that!
And that!
And some of that!
I don't care what you say... I will NOT bathe! Never, ever, ever!
Ok... the word never can be defined in many ways...