Spending the Holidays with the family... and other forms of child abuse.

When you adopt parents, the first thing that they tell you at the adoption agency is that you'd better be prepared to accept new rituals and traditions... no matter how strange they may seem to be at first. Last week's wierdness... Christmas.

Here's how it works as far as I could figure out. Every December 25th a morbidly obese elderly man flies around the world and delivers presents to all of the little children around the world. He does this by being pulled across the sky by flying reindeer. The presents are all made by an army of loyal elves who work from a list of requests from the children who have earned the right to be categorized as nice and not naughty.

Really?

Alright listen. I'll play along only because it seems to be very important to my Mommy and Daddy that I do. You should have seen them. Thay were running around all week telling me that Santa was coming and that he had many surprises in store for me. But I have several issues with this story.

1) How is he able to deliver toys to all of the children of the world in 12 hours and it takes 3 to 5 working days for the cable guy to come out and fix the TV so I can watch The Backyardigans?

2) Elves, huh? In my country it's called child labor. Call the authorities.

3) He decides who's naughty or nice? That's it... I'm getting a publicist.

4) The North Pole? I'd pick a more centralized location for my manufacturing plant. It would save on delivery time. I recommmend a more tropical climate... like Cali, Colombia, for example... just a suggestion.

So Mommy, Daddy and I all went to Mommy's home in Puerto Rico to celebrate Christmas. I got a lot of presents and it was fun but I still didn;t quite get what all of the fuss was about. Maybe it's because I'm only 18 months old... maybe it's because I go to bed at 7 pm everyday and I missed most of the action on Christmas and New Year's Eve. Either way... what was so great about this holiday season wasn't so much the holiday season as much as it was the fact that I got to meet and spend a lot of time with my family on the island.

It was so awesome that I created a new song called:



THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS... PUERTO RICO STYLE.

Everybody all together now...
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

12 uncles chilling...

11 cows a mooing...

10 tractors moving...

9 horses hoofing...

8 wagons pulling...


7 goats a drooling...

6 cowboys cruising...

5... scooter... grins...

4 pounds of beans...

3 new aunts...

2 new best friends...

And a Colombian in a big tree.

I loved Puerto Rico. The scenery reminded me of Colombia and my family there is huge and loving. I even found out that I'm not the youngest member of my family. My cousin Xavier is. He's very little and Mommy was very proud of me because I was so gentle with him. What was I supposed to do? He's my little cousin.

Esteban Joel, Ninja Farmer thinks over his impending battle with the mango trees.

Okay Frida... here's the plan for the day. I drool and you poop... or we can also do it the other way around. I'm good either way.

So this is our farm, Abuelo? I like it... did you notice how I said our farm?

I'm a cowboy... on a real horse I ride... and I'm wanted... Dead or alive.

Sorry... more of Daddy's Jedi Training. This week: The Bon Jovi era.

It's good to have older cousins like Andreia who know their way around a horse. One day I'll invite her to Colombia and teach her how to ride a motorcycle through the streets and ignore all the traffic signs and lights.

Mommy grew up here... I mean in the house, not on the lawn mower.

I collect exotic cars... plastic mostly with funny sounding horns.

I like Abuelo Papo. He has more toys than I do.

Ok... I don't mean to be critical. But if Daddy's head were any bigger he'd topple over.

What's the old wive's tale? If you open an umbrella indoors... there'll be 6 more weeks of winter?

Titi Grizi wanted to know what my Christmas wish was... I wish she'd stop looking at me like that.

Alright Abuelo Papo... let's go home. I hope I didn't tire you out too much.

Hats Off Everyone!

When you adopt a set of parents, you have to be ready for curve balls. Not everything will go according to plan or according to your previous routine. They are already fully formed and mature adults and their personalities are already set. You can't change them or expect them to behave a certain way just because it would be more convenient for you. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and accept that they are going to have their little schemes and secrets. For example: There's been more private meetings and hushed conversations between my adopted parents this week. They've been excited all week long about something... but what?

The first clue came when it came time for my 2 week check up with the specialists at Cranial Tech. Those are the people who made the helmet that I've been wearing for the last 4 months. Usually I go for my check up with either Mommy or Daddy... But this time, the both of them came along.

Daddy took the morning off from work and was in a great mood while we sat in the waiting room. He's usually stressed out and punching buttons on his cell phone trying to answer emails before going into work whenever we're here... but not today. Today he's all smiles and kisses.

Mommy was also in a great mood. She was on her phone calling her Mommy in Puerto Rico. That was another clue. Mommy always calls Abuelita Angie first whenever she has big news to tell. Well, I wish someone would tell me the big news.

The last clue came when the nurse took me into the 3-D imaging room in order to take 360 degree photos of my head. They haven't done that since the first day I came here. Why would they do that again?
So I sit still for the pictures and wait as patiently as I can (about 42 seconds) before I start getting anxious. I needed to know what was going on and I needed to know right now.

And then it happened...

They took my helmet off for good! It's true. The specialists said that my head had re-shaped itself (thanks to constantly wearing my helmet for the last 4 months) and that I no longer had those uneven lumps on my crown and forehead. My head looks completely normal now and I am free from having to wear that helmet ever again!

In celebration of that fact, it is now time to play a little game called:

THE TOP 5 STUPIDEST THINGS THAT STRANGERS SAID TO MY PARENTS WHILE WE WERE OUT IN PUBLIC WHILE I WAS WEARING MY HELMET.

Number 5: Is he retarded?
Daddy's Response: No, but you obviously are. How's that front row parking working out for you?

Number 4: Woah! What's wrong with his head?
Daddy's Response: Nothing. He has to wear the helmet because everytime he runs across a moron he bangs his head on the floor in disgust... You see? There he goes again.

Number 3: Does he attend a special school?
Daddy's Response: Why? Are you out recruiting for your alma mater?

Number 2: Oh my God... What's that thing on top of his head?
Daddy's Response: Oh my God... What's that thing on top of your neck?

Number 1: (to her 10 year old child while pointing at me) You see? That's what happens to you when you mis-behave.
Daddy's Response: (to me while pointing at the lady) You see? That's what happens to you when your parents are related.

You like this look? It's called hair gel... I had to describe the feeling to Daddy.

Mommy and I have a lot in common. We're both beautiful... we have great hair... and we don't wear helmets.

So... thanks for that whole fixing my head thing. However... now that my helmet is off I think it's time that we start seeing other people.

Yes, yes, yes Father. I love you too.

Geez... They can be so embarrassing at this age.

How does this go? Doe Rae me fart sol la pee doe.

Sigh... again? I SUCK MY THUMB... I GET IT!

Goodbye old friend... I won't miss you, but I thank you.

Random Shots and Thoughts

Breaker, Breaker... come in Bandit.... this is The Snow Man... 10-4 good buddy.

Sorry... More of Daddy's Jedi Training. This week: Smokey and the Bandit.

I'm a 2-fisted eater. I distract you with the fork... and then I zoom in with my hand and feed myself. I'm like a ninja. A Chicken Pot Pie Ninja.

What? No I do not have any money to pay for this. This is very embarrassing... I've never had to pay for my meals before. What? No I do not think that you are running a soup kitchen... I'm not sure I even know what that is. No! Please do not call the authorities... Yes, I suppose I could wash dishes to pay you back...

Wait... that's not a waiter... that's Daddy.... wait that's not a menu... that's the stupid cat.

Mommy said that I was not allowed to get up from the table until I could see the bottom of the bowl. Uh... ok... I'm there... and I see nothing. Did I do this right?

Ok... we have 7 bannana puffs left, so... 2 for you and 5 for me. That's about even, right?

Esteban Joel, Rocket Robot Boy swoops in for a closer look at Mommy.

So... sore throats must suck for you, am I right?

I have no lettuce in my pocket... I promise.

You are over 100 years old? Really? That's almost as old as Daddy.

Mommy, you go ahead and look at the monkeys... I'll be here.