Fake Holidays, Pee Phobias and Sleeping with the Fishes

Adoption brings along with it many surprises and unforeseen events. For example: This morning Daddy spent 20 minutes laughing and cleaning pee off of the bathroom floor, wall, trash can and scale. Why was he laughing? Because the pee he was cleaning did not belong to me... it belonged to him.

But we'll come back to that a little later. I have 3 items that I need to discuss that all occurred last week. One was a revelation while the other two were more a peek into the psyches of these two very strange individuals that I have adopted as parents.

Item #1: Valentine's Day
Okay... American holidays, in general, usually confuse me. But this Valentine's Day foolishness really took the cake. First of all, I looked it up and this guy wasn't even a full blown saint. He was on the bubble but never fully recognized by the church. Then, to top it all off, he was a martyr who was be-headed. I don't know about you guys but nothing says love and friendship to me like the image of some wannabe saint getting his melon lopped off. Think about that next time you're having a candlelit dinner with the spouse.
Another reason that Valentine's Day doesn't appeal to me is that Mommy and Daddy don't really celebrate it. They think it's silly that they have to force themsleves to go out to dinner on a random weeknight every year just because it's what everybody else is doing. You have to understand that my parents don't really like to leave the house... ever. They prefer to eat in most nights, they love watching something called TIVO once they put me to sleep at night, they're always working from home so they get on their lap tops and hang out on the long couch together with the TV on. Daddy got Mommy into sports and Mommy got Daddy hooked on some drug on TV called Glee. They are reclusive, total shut-ins and completely boring. I'm surprised they left the house to come to Colombia to get me back in in June.

So now they're supposed to put on shoes and actually leave the house on a night that all of the restaurants will be packed and the service will be bad? Not a chance. So every year they exchange cards and that is it. No presents, no dinners and no surprises. Daddy says that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday because not everybody can celebrate it. What about all of those people out there without a significant other? They aren't included? It's not fair is what he would say. I think that Daddy's attitude toward's Valentine's Day shows that he has a caring heart and a noble spirit. Mommy says that it shows how pathetically lonely and unpopular he was before meeting her.

Item #2: The Godfather
Last Sunday Mommy had to work. She left the house at 5:30 in the morning and didn't make it back home until by bedtime at 7:30 at night. Daddy and I were both sick with the same cold that we've been passing back and forth to each other for the last 6 weeks so we decided to stay inside and forego our usual trip to the park and/or mall. It was a chilly afternoon anyway so it was better if we just stayed in our PJ's all day and just chill. We had breakfast and then did some laundry and fixed up the garage a little bit... then it was time for my nap.

When I woke up we went back downstairs and then Daddy decided to do a little Jedi Training on me and put on a pair of movies called The Godfather parts I and II. Watching Daddy watch that movie is the funniest thing in the world to me. He loves it. He's seen it about 100,000 times and he knows every line of dialogue. He owns books about the making of it and he's also read the book that the movie is based on. He's nuts.

After watching the films and listening to Daddy's constant chatter throughout... I've decided that I liked the experience of hanging out with Daddy all day on the couch a lot better than any stupid movie. We ate grapes, we fought the sofa cushion monsters, we talked... and we watched The Godfather movies all day long. Since I was feeling a little under the weather too, I wasn't too demanding that day. So we had a boy's day in and just chilled with the Corleone family. My favorite scene is a tie between the horse head in the bed scene (maybe the horse knew St Valentine?) and the scene in Las Vegas where Micheal tells Fredo to not ever take sides against the family in public again... Ever!

I'm Moe Green. I was making my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!

What can I say? The Jedi Training... it works.

Item #3: Shy Bladders
So we finally come down to the reason as to why Daddy is laughing and cleaning up his own pee on the bathroom floor. I saved it for the end because I don't like embarrassing the old man... really I don't. But he doesn't make things easy for me. It all began with Mommy (as most things do around here) and her theory about potty training. She is of the belief that a child can learn some pre-potty trainig things that will help them when their time comes to learn. She believes that a child can start preparing for potty training by, first, observing the correct way to do it from a parent.

Simply put... Mommy wanted Daddy to start peeing in front of me. She felt that by me watching the corrct way to do it, it won't come as such a foreign activity when I'm asked to do it.

Problem... Daddy's crazy head. Daddy can't pee in front of people. He hates public restrooms and has declared himself to be the official carrier of a shy bladder.
Nevertheless... after some discussion he agreed to the experiment. He tried for a week to do the deed... without success. It was always the same scene. He'd be in position and I'd be right next to him... staring... studying... observing... and judging.

I can't do it! he would yell and then escort me out of the room so he could do his thing alone. It was comical. 5 days straight without a single drop acheived. I had given up hope until this morning when he came running into my bedroom and pulled me out of my slumber. He ran with me to the bathroom and was blabbing something about this being the day!

He gets into position and puts me on the floor next to him and then we both hold our breaths. First one drop... then another... and then finally success! He was so happy that he didn't notice that his towel had dropped to the floor. That was when I casually reached up and gave Daddy's right butt cheek a little pinch. Daddy jumped 5 feet into the air and landed somewhere near the bathtub from the surprise and fright. That was the good news... the bad news was that he was still peeing while it happened.

So that's why Daddy is currently giggling and dousing the bathroom with bleach. Just another day at the office around here. One thing is for sure. This whole parenting thing is one heck of a dirty job.

I don't know it's some idiot who wants to know if our refrigerator is running.... you deal with it, he sounds like a clown.

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