School's Out

My master plan to drive my Daddy insane has been temporarily derailed by the arrival of my arch-nemesis... my grandmother.

She's experienced...

She's patient...

She's unflappable...

She's given Daddy a chance to rest and re-charge his batteries. I had him on the brink of a meltdown and she saved him. I'm no challenge to her. She raised 3 kids on a mountain in Puerto Rico before the invention of Ask Google or Web MD.

Abuelita has a special power that renders all of my evil powers useless.

She calls it love.

When she's around, I get so much attention that I don't have the strength or energy to torture Daddy. Even if I were to try, she'd just swoop in and difuse the situation.

And then you add in the involvement of these two degenerates and before you know it, you have a full-blown posse of comadres dropping in like the 101st Airborn Division and rescue Daddy.

It's okay. I'll lie and wait. They can't visit forever. He'll be alone again soon... that's when I'll strike.

I've been throwing nap curveballs at them all week. Some days I don't nap at all and go to bed by 7 pm and other days I take two really good naps and don't even consider going down until 9 or even 10 o'clock at night. Those were the nights when I would often hear Daddy weeping through the walls when we were alone. But not anymore... thanks to the family.

Regardless... having visitors in the house is cool. They're all full of energy and are always smiling and laughing with me. Kinda like what Mommy and Daddy were like at the beginning. All bright-eyed and full of life. Just a couple of crazy kids in love... they had their whole futures ahead of them and now... their futures belong to me.
A stick up? What do you mean put my hands up? Oh my gosh I'm getting mugged. Ok... stay calm. You want my wallet and car keys? I don't have a wallet... wait that's not a mugger. That's Daddy... wait, that's not a gun... it's a Snicker's Bar.
Stupid cat. If I was 3 inches taller you'd be in the dishwasher already.
Look, Abuelita... I'm not saying that anybody is better than anybody else... All I'm saying is that historically speaking the Colombians have contributed much more to society than the Puerto Ricans have, that's all.
Okay Abuelita... I see I've offended you. I'll make it all better with some impressions. Ready? Arrrg, matie! Got a bit of the scurvy, do ya? That was a pirate... no?
Okay... how bout this? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! You want me on that wall... you need me on that wall! You're darn right I ordered that code red! Nothing?... Not a Nicholson fan, huh?
Okay... last one. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding and you ask me to perform a service for you... If I do this, a day may come when I will come to you and ask you to return the favor. And on that day, I know that you will not dissapoint me. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse..
Sniff...I'm okay. It's just that I consider myself an artist and for you to not recognize any of my impressions... It's a bit of a reality check, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to miss you too Nicole... It's all I can think about, really... ok? Now gently put me down on the floor so I can squash that cat.
This is my favorite game. I call it: Abuelita thinks I'm smiling... but I'm really pooping!

Sabado Gigante!

It's hot here. Really hot. Cali is hot too... but not like this. This is the kind of hot that makes you do irrational things. Things like agreeing to participate in a third birthday party for me. Exactly how many parties do you gringos need before you are satisfied?


I'm sorry. I've been a little testy lately. Maybe it's the heat.

Mommy and Daddy said that all of their friends were dying to meet me. They've been planning this party for a long time... about 3 years or so, Daddy says.

Eventually I threw caution to the wind and said what the heck. My first 2 birthday parties were awesome, and if I recall correctly a major element in birthday parties is presents so... bring it on!
These are my aunts Patricia... Andrea... Michele... and Stephanie. Someone put super glue on their backs and they were forced to spend the entire day in this exact position.
Wow. It's like a scene from Willy Wonka... which would make me a Colombian oompa loompa.
Okay, Mommy... act casual. You see those 3 little girls over there? Are any of them looking at me? No?... How about now?
Daddy thinks Tio Poncho is a riot. They've been friends for 20 years. Mommy says that they deserve each other.
Okay Aunt Ronnie... listen very closely. I'll poop myself to distract everyone and you grab some birthday cake and meet me out back in 10 minutes, got it?
I purposely matched my shirt with Aunt Maria's jewelry. Had she worn something silver... I'd be wearing my Micheal Jackson I wanna rock with you pants.
So... how are Nieves and Pepe... good?
Okay, Melissa Marty. You may carry me but may NOT kiss me. I don't like kisses, I think they are icky and...

I'm sorry...What was I saying?
Tia Andrea is Colombian, like me, so she can kiss me whenever she wants... Is that a crack in the ceiling?
Okay, okay relax. We'll make it happen. Um... let's see. Monday's no good... Tuesday's booked... I got a dinnner thing on Wednesday... It's Ortiz with a Z, right? I know I have you in here somewhere.
Daddy... Why does everybody call Tia Joyce Turkalicious?
Uh... never mind.
She: Chocolate Balls?
Me: How dare you.
Oh hi Tia Lovey. It's great to see you again too...sort of.
Daddy, why does everybody call Tia Patricia La Fresca? Um... never mind.
Daddy says that Tio Angel and I have a lot in common... from the neck, up.
Tio Poncho brought a Pinata to my party. We were all supposed to beat it with a stick until it spills candy.... We're talking about the pinata, right?
Back it up ladies... I carry a big stick.
Okay... I need everyone to form a single line and then calmly proceed to the candy.
Thank you.
Again with the singing and the staring before the cake... This is a strange tradition.
It's like the poor man's Avatar.
While the kids were getting their faces painted... Daddy and Uncle Poncho decided to settle an old debt in the bounce house.

There were a bunch of presents... but I already had everything I needed. happy birthday to me... again.

Keeping It In The Family

Adoption is a funny thing. You become so focussed on the process itself that you forget about what it is that you are actually doing. Because I didn't just adopt a set of parents... I adopted two whole new sets of families.

I have three new grandparents, three new uncles, three new aunts, two new cousins, not to mention my parent's combined 17 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins. That's a lot for one 12 month old kid to absorb. So I decided to set up a plan where I would meet my family... but a little bit at a time.

The first to come would be my Daddy's sister Sandy. She brought along my cousin Nicole. She's 16 and about to begin her junior year in high school.

My aunt Sandy is awesome. She talks to me a lot in a funny voice and you can tell that she's experienced with little kids because she never gets tired or frustrated. Even 3 days ago when I pooped my diapers twice in a matter of 4 minutes. She reacted like it was Christmas morning and she was opening presents.

Aunt Sandy lives in Texas with my uncle Ken and Nicole. She's a pharmacist and my uncle Ken is a college professor. Aunt Sandy said that she was going to invite me out to Texas next summer so I could spend a couple of weeks with her and her family. Mommy said that she would have to think about it... Daddy said that 2 weeks seemed too short a time for visiting a state as big as Texas.

Three days later, Abuelita Angie also came for a visit. She flew in all the way from Puerto Rico just to meet me. I felt like I already knew her because I would see her everyday on the computer. Abuelita also said that she wanted to take me back home with her to Puerto Rico so I could meet my Abuelo Papo and go horse-back riding with my Uncle Andres.

Everybody is really excited to meet me and they act like they've known me my entire life. I don't know how long they can keep this up but all of this attention is really making me feel good. For the longest time I've felt like an outsider that didn't really belong anywhere. And now I feel like I'm a part of something special.

Daddy calls it the power of the new infant... Mommy just calls it family.
Um... I don't know about this Michele. Number one, you're pregnant... number two, you're married to Daddy's best friend...
Oh, what the heck. Go ahead and give us a smooch. But make it quick.
Okay... I'm going to show all of you how to let Mommy know that you are full and do not wish to eat anymore breakfast. Step 1... pretend you are a robot and take your last bite and eat it without any expression on your face.
Step 2... bring that robot to life and let her know that you will not be accepting anymore food from her.
If she insists on continuing to try to feed you, move on to step 3... applying the world famous back breaker defense system. Warning: This move requires that you stretch for at least 15 minutes before attempting.
Any questions?
Uh... Mommy? This is going to sound crazy but lately I've been feeling like if people are watching every move I make. Is that the craziest paranoid stuff you've ever heard or what?
The secret to swallowing your entire arm is patience and discipline. Besides, once you get past the wrist, it's all down-hill from there.
Whenever I see a girl that interests me I just simply roll up to her and whistle as loud as I can...
If she turns around then I give her my patented mack-daddy papito chulo smile. After that it's like shooting fish in a barrel, baby.
Am I full? Uh... let me check.
Well, peek-a-boo to you too.
Are all the women in Puerto Rico as fun as you, Abuelita Angie? No wonder Daddy likes it so much over there.