How I Managed To Injure A Fully Grown Man Simply By Playing Peek-A-Boo With Him For 11 Seconds

Before I do anything on this post I must start off with an apology. I've never gone this long without posting and I promise that I'll never do it again. It's been a little hectic over at the ol' homestead and I'm just starting to get back to my normal rythm. What's been going on is that both my parents got really busy with their jobs. Mommy got a job that lasted 2 months and she was really busy during her production. Then 3 weeks ago, Daddy's TV show started it's 13 week run and he's been a ghost ever since.

And guess who got left holding the bag?

Look... I'm not one to complain, but I've had to do the majority of the housework around here for the last 3 weeks. Laundry, Dishes,car maintanance, landscaping.

Okay so maybe I'm exagerating a bit but you get my point. I've been extremely busy. When Mommy was working I was mostly with Daddy and he needs a lot of help so I was spending a lot of time with him and teaching him to be a parent. You know, trying to instill a little confidence in him. And now that it's Daddy who's working a lot I'm always with Mommy and she's a wiley one that always keeps me on my toes. Trips to the zoo, to the park and even to visit family in Orlando and Tampa.

So now that life has started to get back to normal a little bit with Mommy and me hanging out together most of the time, it's given me a little time to reflect and analyze my situation and let me tell you folks... I've come a long way. I am now able to communicate with my parents and let them know what I want. I don't always get it, mind you, but at least I can now put in the request. For example: I like drinking water a lot. I mean it. I can't get enough of water in any form.


Ice? I crunch it with my 9 teeth.
Steam? Love it. Makes me sleepy.
Water? Splash me, dunk me and let me drink it down. I love water!


I don't know if I've made clear enough my affinity for the wet stuff...

The point is that I love water but I especially love it from a Big Boy cup. Not from my sippy cups... those are for little kids. I like drinking water from Daddy's cup witht he huge chunks of ice. So picture the scene: Daddy and I on the sofa watching TV while he sips water from his cup. Actually, truth be told, Daddy is usually the one watching TV while I rip apart and destroy the sofa cushions. It's a lot of fun but it sure helps you build up a huge thirst.

So I look up at him and say, clear as a bell, Mas? Astonished, Daddy lowers the cup to my lips and tilts the glass.... I drink... he puts the glass back down on the table and then I look up at him... Mas? I say again... and again he lifts the cup to my lips and allows me to drink. Well I don't mind telling you the mistake that that was for him that day. We spent the next 42 minutes with the same routine.

Mas?... drink... cup back down on the table
Mas?... drink... cup back down on the table
Mas?... drink... cup back down on the table

It was awesome. It was as if a light clicked on inside my head at that very moment. Everything that I want has a special code word for it. And as long as I attempt to say it Chances are pretty good that I'll get it.

If I don't like what's happening at that very moment... Nah!
If I want my Mommy... Mama!
If I want my Daddy... Papa!
If I want the cat... Lalah! (her name is Lola... I'm working on it people okay?)
If I want a bottle... Tete!
When I hold a cell phone to my ear... Hola?
When I leave a room... Adios
When I enter a room... (I blow kisses)
That's just how I roll people. And with this new power comes a whole new world of opportunities. I no longer just sit there waiting for Daddy to figure out on his own that I haven't eaten in 5 hours. Now, all I do is walk into the kitchen and and start yelling Mas!... Mas! Daddy knows to come into the kitchen and give me a fruit cup or some crackers. It's a beautiful system. I always wondered what the big deal about talking was and now I get it. The thrill doesn't come from the talking but rather from people understanding what you're saying.

But I guess I better get to explaining the title of this post. It was all just a big misunderstanding, really. Daddy and I are at the stage where we are starting to play games together. There's a game called I stole your nose. Then there's a game called Ninja Daddy where we fight on the couch. Then there's Underwater Monster during bath time and Undercover Monster during beddybye time. Let's see, there's Airplane Spoon Attack when I eat and Little Naked Brown Boy Olympics when I run down the hall for my bath.

Everything is a game with these two. Even something as simple as chasing bubbles in the backyard becomes a game called Bubble Terminator. They get so happy when I participate and do well so I always try my best to please them. So that leads me to last Monday morning. Daddy didn't have to go into work until the afternoon so we were able to have breakfast together as a family. So there I am, halfway through my 3-minute egg when Daddy gets his face and puts it right next to mine. Then he covers his face with his hands and starts saying: Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?

So I figure that this is going to be some kind of test, right? He's asking me a question and he is looking to me to come up with the answer, right? It was then that he decided to open his hands (thereby exposing his face to me) and saying something silly like Peek-A-Boo!

He very well may have said Peek-A-Boo... but I heard Poke-My-Face. So I calmly poked my Daddy in the right eye. And this was no quick little poke. This was knuckle-deep... 3 seconds... and with a little wiggling while I was in there.

Arrrrgh! Yelled Daddy as he crumpled to the floor holding his eye. Mommy walks into the room and sees Daddy on the floor, writhing in pain, and me calmly sucking my thumb on my high chair. It took her a moment to speak as she was trying to understand the scene she was seeing.

What happened here? she asked
Your son just tried to kill me came the response
How did a 20-pound child manage to do that?
Well, first of all... he's a lot stronger than he looks

That was about all it took for Mommy to turn around and go back to the living room and finish whatever it was that she was doing.

I think that if there is a lesson to be learned here it's that you need to be careful what you teach a kid my age to do. We're all parrots and monkeys at this age. We repeat and imitate everything we hear and see. If everything is a game then get ready to deal with some of the consequences that go along with that. All I know is that I love my Daddy and would never hurt him intentionally... but at least now he knows not to poke the bear... Don't EVER poke the bear. He just might poke you in the eye.

My New Best Friend

Adopting parents can be a very tricky proposition. Just think about it. You are combining 3 completely unique and diverse personalities into one household and then taking a leap of faith and hoping that everything works out. It's, literally, a touch-and-go situation. Some things between me and my parents clicked right away while other things have taken a little more time. A lot of things feel really good and natural between us by now. Things like being transported to Mommy and Daddy's bed at 6:30 AM so we can all get one more hour of sleep together... Things like the smell of Mommy's hair... and the feel of my favorite blanket.

My parents and I have been together for a little over 8 months now and it's been great so far, it really has. I mean, I get it now... the whole family thing. I finally understand what all the fuss is about. Having a Mommy and Daddy always there for you is everything I thought it would be and more. However there are still a few things that I haven't been able to figure out about them.

Like Mommy's devotion to sandals no matter what the season is or Daddy's constant war against technology. Call them quirks or whatever... it's just the little things that make them unique. Lately there's been a new developement with me that has them all in a tizzy. It's not a big deal... at least not to me. But to them it's become bigger than Elvis. Let's see... how can I put this delicately?

I've recently discovered my wee wee.
I don't know how or when it happened it just did. One day, I have no idea it's there and the next thing I know, we're BFFs. Now, every time Mommy or Daddy changes my diaper... it's wee wee time. Every time I get a bath... it's wee wee time. Every chance I get... It's wee wee time. Mommy says it's bad form and would rather I not start any bad habits. Daddy, on the other hand, has a whole different take on the matter.

Daddy is of the opinion that I might as well get to know him now because he's going to be my lifelong best friend. Daddy says that my new best friend and I will go on many, many wonderful adventures together that I will never forget. That's when Mommy gives him a look and Daddy doesn't say anymore. I'm not sure but I get the feeling that Daddy and I are going to have a lot of interesting talks when I'm older.

In either case, It's been decided at home that my curiosity and touchy-feely approach towards my wee wee is totally normal. Mommy is convinced that it is a phase that I will eventually outgrow. Last week she asked Daddy at what age boys lose their fascination with that part of their body. Daddy's response: I'll let you know.

Daddy's Top 10 Nicknames For My New Best Friend
10) Tiny Tim
9) Little Richard
8) Mr. Belvedere
7) Mr. Bean
6) The Fonz
5) Little Lord Fauntleroy
4) The Little Engine That Could
3) Tatoo
2) Benjamin Button
1) El Guapo

This is Olivia and Giancarlo. They're also from Colombia and they also adopted a set of parents.

I'm guessing that this officially makes us Homies.


This is Mia. She adopted a Mommy too, but she's from a place called China.

That's okay. I told her that she could be my homegirl anyways.

Look at the difference in attitude between Olivia and the little girl next to her. And people wonder why I love Colombian women.

Ok... just close your eyes and pretend that it's a garden hose. A slimy, slithery, disgusting garden hose.

I did it! I touched it! I wasn't scared!

Did Olivia see me?

Uh... why are we riding the GEICO lizard?

Do the trick Olivia... Come on! Do the trick!....

Yeah Baby!

Just another day at the zoo with my Mommy and my friends. I could get used to this.

Fake Holidays, Pee Phobias and Sleeping with the Fishes

Adoption brings along with it many surprises and unforeseen events. For example: This morning Daddy spent 20 minutes laughing and cleaning pee off of the bathroom floor, wall, trash can and scale. Why was he laughing? Because the pee he was cleaning did not belong to me... it belonged to him.

But we'll come back to that a little later. I have 3 items that I need to discuss that all occurred last week. One was a revelation while the other two were more a peek into the psyches of these two very strange individuals that I have adopted as parents.

Item #1: Valentine's Day
Okay... American holidays, in general, usually confuse me. But this Valentine's Day foolishness really took the cake. First of all, I looked it up and this guy wasn't even a full blown saint. He was on the bubble but never fully recognized by the church. Then, to top it all off, he was a martyr who was be-headed. I don't know about you guys but nothing says love and friendship to me like the image of some wannabe saint getting his melon lopped off. Think about that next time you're having a candlelit dinner with the spouse.
Another reason that Valentine's Day doesn't appeal to me is that Mommy and Daddy don't really celebrate it. They think it's silly that they have to force themsleves to go out to dinner on a random weeknight every year just because it's what everybody else is doing. You have to understand that my parents don't really like to leave the house... ever. They prefer to eat in most nights, they love watching something called TIVO once they put me to sleep at night, they're always working from home so they get on their lap tops and hang out on the long couch together with the TV on. Daddy got Mommy into sports and Mommy got Daddy hooked on some drug on TV called Glee. They are reclusive, total shut-ins and completely boring. I'm surprised they left the house to come to Colombia to get me back in in June.

So now they're supposed to put on shoes and actually leave the house on a night that all of the restaurants will be packed and the service will be bad? Not a chance. So every year they exchange cards and that is it. No presents, no dinners and no surprises. Daddy says that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday because not everybody can celebrate it. What about all of those people out there without a significant other? They aren't included? It's not fair is what he would say. I think that Daddy's attitude toward's Valentine's Day shows that he has a caring heart and a noble spirit. Mommy says that it shows how pathetically lonely and unpopular he was before meeting her.

Item #2: The Godfather
Last Sunday Mommy had to work. She left the house at 5:30 in the morning and didn't make it back home until by bedtime at 7:30 at night. Daddy and I were both sick with the same cold that we've been passing back and forth to each other for the last 6 weeks so we decided to stay inside and forego our usual trip to the park and/or mall. It was a chilly afternoon anyway so it was better if we just stayed in our PJ's all day and just chill. We had breakfast and then did some laundry and fixed up the garage a little bit... then it was time for my nap.

When I woke up we went back downstairs and then Daddy decided to do a little Jedi Training on me and put on a pair of movies called The Godfather parts I and II. Watching Daddy watch that movie is the funniest thing in the world to me. He loves it. He's seen it about 100,000 times and he knows every line of dialogue. He owns books about the making of it and he's also read the book that the movie is based on. He's nuts.

After watching the films and listening to Daddy's constant chatter throughout... I've decided that I liked the experience of hanging out with Daddy all day on the couch a lot better than any stupid movie. We ate grapes, we fought the sofa cushion monsters, we talked... and we watched The Godfather movies all day long. Since I was feeling a little under the weather too, I wasn't too demanding that day. So we had a boy's day in and just chilled with the Corleone family. My favorite scene is a tie between the horse head in the bed scene (maybe the horse knew St Valentine?) and the scene in Las Vegas where Micheal tells Fredo to not ever take sides against the family in public again... Ever!

I'm Moe Green. I was making my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!

What can I say? The Jedi Training... it works.

Item #3: Shy Bladders
So we finally come down to the reason as to why Daddy is laughing and cleaning up his own pee on the bathroom floor. I saved it for the end because I don't like embarrassing the old man... really I don't. But he doesn't make things easy for me. It all began with Mommy (as most things do around here) and her theory about potty training. She is of the belief that a child can learn some pre-potty trainig things that will help them when their time comes to learn. She believes that a child can start preparing for potty training by, first, observing the correct way to do it from a parent.

Simply put... Mommy wanted Daddy to start peeing in front of me. She felt that by me watching the corrct way to do it, it won't come as such a foreign activity when I'm asked to do it.

Problem... Daddy's crazy head. Daddy can't pee in front of people. He hates public restrooms and has declared himself to be the official carrier of a shy bladder.
Nevertheless... after some discussion he agreed to the experiment. He tried for a week to do the deed... without success. It was always the same scene. He'd be in position and I'd be right next to him... staring... studying... observing... and judging.

I can't do it! he would yell and then escort me out of the room so he could do his thing alone. It was comical. 5 days straight without a single drop acheived. I had given up hope until this morning when he came running into my bedroom and pulled me out of my slumber. He ran with me to the bathroom and was blabbing something about this being the day!

He gets into position and puts me on the floor next to him and then we both hold our breaths. First one drop... then another... and then finally success! He was so happy that he didn't notice that his towel had dropped to the floor. That was when I casually reached up and gave Daddy's right butt cheek a little pinch. Daddy jumped 5 feet into the air and landed somewhere near the bathtub from the surprise and fright. That was the good news... the bad news was that he was still peeing while it happened.

So that's why Daddy is currently giggling and dousing the bathroom with bleach. Just another day at the office around here. One thing is for sure. This whole parenting thing is one heck of a dirty job.

I don't know it's some idiot who wants to know if our refrigerator is running.... you deal with it, he sounds like a clown.

I believe everyone here already knows my wardrobe stylist from San Sebastian de Las Vegas de los Pepinos Designs.

Cool Tee Shirts and Bad Haircuts

A funny thing happened on the way to the barber shop... Actually a funny thing happened while Mommy was cutting my hair at home... but we'll come back to that a little later. I have a more pressing matter to deal with. Something that I've had on the tip of my tongue for quite some time and I just can't seem to spit it out... literally.

I'm about to start talking and I haven't decided exactly what my first words are going to be. Mommy and Daddy are both trying really hard to make sure that the first acutal sentence that I blurt out will be meaningful so they are constantly repeating key phrases to me. Yo te amo... Buenos dias Mama... Gracias Papa... and so on. Don't get me wrong, I talk... well, I say 6 words if you want me to be completely honest with you.

1) Mama
2) Papa
3) Lola (the cat)
4) Mas
5) Galleta
6) Three!... (only when preceded by Mommy saying: One... Two...)

That's about it. That is the complete and unabridged version of the Esteban vocabulary. Not too bad of a menu of words. The way I see it, if I never learn another word the rest of my life I'll at least be able to ask my parents for more crackers (3 to be exact) and then ask the cat to join me.

But seriously... Since both of my parents are now actively campaigning to make sure that their chosen sentence makes it as my first official words... It suddenly occured to me the immense power that I, once again, have over them. I completely control them now. They don't mind that I prattle off gibberish for 6 hours at a time. They sit there patiently and listen closely for any glimps of a coherent sentence... any sentence. I need to choose these first words very carefully. As I've said before; with great power comes great responsibility. If I say something like: Te quiero un monton, Mama. My Mommy would die of happiness and go to Puerto Rican Heaven (which Daddy insists resembles Disney World... only louder and none of the rides work). But if I were to say something like: More quesadillas please then we'd lose Daddy to a brain embolism for sure.

I think I'm going to go with something completely random. Maybe something like: Peas make me nervous or Frank Burns eats Worms. That'll make them really crazy. They'll spend days analyzing and theorizing in order to find the true meaning. What is it about the peas that frightens him? Is it the shape or the color? I can already hear them. In the end I'll probably say something short and sweet like: Hello Mama or Gracias Papa. Either way, Mommy and Daddy will treat it like the greatest phrase ever uttered by a toddler with 8 pounds of poop in his diaper. And that's what I like about these two. They're so new at this that they still treat every situation as a monumental epic event. I don't know how much longer this will last but I plan to milk it for all it's worth.

Funny story about my new haircut. Mommy decides, while Daddy is away on a business trip, that she is going to cut my hair in the bathroom at home. She felt that this was a good idea for two reasons: 1) She cuts Daddy's hair (whats left of it) at home all the time. 2) I'm a patient kid. I'll sit still if you give me something to hold or eat. That's how Mommy trims my nails and inspects my ears and nose. Everything was set for a succesful trim. I was seated comfortably on the bathroom counter top playing with my toothbrush. Mommy was clipping away at my curls and was feeling so cocky that she pulled out the electric clippers to tidy up the back of my neck. That's when the cat decided to jump up onto the counter with us. I jerked my head around... Mommy jumped... and before I knew what was happening, there was a 6 inch trench dug into the side of my head. Sh ehad no choice... she had to shave my head completely and start over.

Mommy cried and sent Daddy a picture of my new shaved head to his phone and he laughed for 17 minutes straight while sitting on the floor at the Dallas Airport. He said he loved it because we now had matching haircuts. Eventually Mommy calmed down and began to laugh as well. Great. Everyone laugh at the short, bald kid. Very nice.
Esteban Joel, Killer Robot from the planet 4eyes tries in vane to blend in with the cool crowd on Miami Beach.

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen... my first trick is called: The vanishing cream puffs.

Now you see them...

And then poof they're gone! Where did they go? I'll never tell.

Rice Rice Baby To Go... Word to Your Mother.

6 Month Report Card

Do you have a second? I was wondering if I could take up a little of your time in order for me to get a few things off of my chest. Just a couple of notes and comments on you and your culture and your society. You see, I've officially been living in your country for a little under 6 months now and I thought that it was time that I let my feelings be known about a few of your traditions, habits and behaviors. What's that? You don't like being judged likr that? Don't be silly. Don't think of it as being judged... just think of it as being graded. See? Isn't that better?

1) Parks and Recreations: Love them, love them, looooooove them. From kiddie playgrounds to lifetime memberships at the Miami Zoo. You guys really know what you are doing when it comes to keeping little guys like me entertained. Even the malls have carousels to ride on and giant turtles to climb on and clowns with balloons and face painters and cotton candy. It's dizzying. It's like Daddy always says: Behind every happy smile on a jungle jim... stands an exhausted parent wishing he or she could figure out how to nap with their eyes open. Final grade: A+

2) Roads and Traffic: This one depends on who you talk to. I give it an A or better while Daddy gives it a D while Mommy gives it a B. That's because the traffic issues where we live now are either better or worse when compared to what you are used to. For example; I'm from Cali, Colombia where scooters and motorcycles rule the roadways and they zig and zag in front of you and behind you as you make your way down the highway. Red lights are optional, just like child safety seats and speed limits. It can be very dangerous... but it's a lot better over here. Mommy, on the other hand, is from Puerto Rico where she says the rules or courtesy on the roads are not so much ignored as much as they are mocked and ridiculed. Mommy says that motorists and shoppers on the island treat everyday like if it was Black Friday. It's every man and woman for themselves and good luck, be careful and grab me a mini food processor if you see one. Daddy is from Texas where he says everyone is courteous and safety concious. He says that the rules of the road are observed and respected and every motorist is always on the lookout for their fellow drivers. This is the part where Mommy usually rolls her eyes... but oddly enough she agrees with Daddy on this point. She loves the state of Texas and agrees about the courteous drivers there. Either way, I'm relatively happy with the roadways and traffic flow in Florida. The turnpikes are clean and never clogged. The city roads are clean and pot-hole free and people (for the most part)follow the rules of the road. The traffic can get tiresome, especially when you're strapped into a baby seat like a tiny astronaut but... Overall grade: B+.
3) Food and Dining: Understand this... most of my meals come from home. Mommy is a beast in the kitchen and I've been exposed to her unique Puerto-Mexican cuisine that has me very happy. Whenever Mommy can't cook, we have a large assortment of Latin and American restaurants to choose from. But 95% of the time... It's Che-Mommy. Top five Mommy Meals 5- Asopao (chicken soup/veggies) 4-Carne Guisada (beef stew) 3-Macajon con Carne (mac and cheese with beef) 2-Tostones Rellenos (beef-stuffed plantaine) 1-Pollito Mostasa (mustard chicken). I have no complaints in this department. Breakfast is either fruit and yogurts or eggs and flour tortillas. I love it all. It helps that I now have 11 teeth. Overall grade: A+.

4) Service: Once again... this grade depends on where you come from but I love how quickly you get service in this country. The garbage disposal guy was here the same day we called him... the satelite guy showed up on his own because he was on a service call in the neighborhood and he noticed that our antena needed an upgrade... Mommy's car got boken into and the police showed up in 5 minutes to help her and then the insurance company sent a guy to Mommy's workplace in order to replace the broken window... The list just goes on and on. Oh sure, not everything is perfect. I could do without the sales calls at 9:30 at night and the lines at the doctor's office waiting rooms are a joke but I love living in a place where the little things get done the right way... it gives me hope for the bigger things. Overall grade A.

So there you have it. Not bad for a first-time assesment. I think it's safe to say that this whole living in America thing is well worth the price of adoption. I'll tell you another thing that's great about living over here... the people. So giving and warm. Don't get me wrong... the Colombian people are tops, but I recently received something in the mail that made me feel really good. It was a hand-made blanket from the grandparents of my former roomate back in Colombia. Gloria Grace and I go back all the way to the beginning. I call her G-Money and she calls me EJ. We adopted our parents at the same time and our new Mommies kept in contant communication through emails and telephone giving each other positive thoughts and energy while they were in Colombia.

So now that everybody is home and trying to adapt to their new lives I get a present from G-Money's granparents. Daddy says that the fact that these good people took the time to even consider buying me a present for Christmas, much less, make the effort of making it says everything about them and their character that needs to be said.

I don't know what Daddy is talking about. I never heard anybody say anything or show me any characters or nothing... All I know is that the blanket is super cool and super warm. It has my name on one side and the Colombian flag on the other. So to my Abuelita Jean and Abuelito Howie I say... Thank you and good night.

Ok... Is the weird kid still staring at me?... How about now?
Listen Kid... I don't know who you are or what you want but you're starting to creep me out. I've told you 20 times already... I'm not Gary Coleman so stop asking me to say Whachu talkin bout Willis , okay?

What do you mean you don't know why it's not working, Daddy? I weight 20 pounds... and you weigh 220 pounds.... What don't you get?

Now this is more like it.

So... you like television? Maybe you've heard of me... I'm Gary Coleman.